Pink Green Blue

Myriad by Hourglass winnerinfinitesimal

Rating: PG-13. Created: December 21st, 2005. Updated: December 21st, 2005. Read Reviews (26)
Disclaimer: Characters, the magical world, etc, is property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Bros, not the owner of this fic.

God, the sky was so blue.

Three thousand nine hundred thirty two stone steps upwards and this, this.

It was worth all the nights sneaking around, it was worth the worried looks, worth the trouble, the exhaustion. I’d found the eighth wonder of the world! That sky! That vast patchwork of green, brown, red- miles and miles and miles of it! On top of Hogwarts, on top of the world! I breathed in deep and there was more than just air in my lungs, there was more.

The rooftops stretched on for miles- all weather worn stone and gaping mouthed gargoyles- all inclines and declines and drop offs- and how convenient that there were no walls protecting the greatest drop off, the one that plunged hundreds and hundreds of feet to the evergreen grass below, to the sloping, wild hills around the lake, the forest, the quidditch pitch!

I walked across the weather worn stone. I walked until there was nothing but an inch before I stepped off into infinity, that was it, god, an inch! I looked down- my feet balanced perfectly between what was solid and what was better than solid. I looked up.

Oh, the sky, the sky.

The wind howled. I felt my body swaying perfectly on the edge, to, fro, to- I stretched my arms out and tilted my head in the sun. I loved the sun. I loved it for being bright and warm and everything I wasn’t. I loved the sky because it never stopped. I loved that there was nothing to stop me from falling, falling, falling, into infinity.

I can see myself- I can see my fifteen year old self holding her face in the wind, thinking about the sun and the sky, wondering if it was a sin to want to die, because god, that’s what I wanted. I wanted to fall, I wanted to fly, I wanted to sleep and dream and close my eyes forever. To me, there was never really a difference.

To fall, to fly, to sleep, to dream, to die.

And wasn’t it romantic? Ever the actress, dressed up in that white satin dress, pretty hair loose and fragrant and perfect. Perfect Lily, mother would say, she would touch my face and the look in her eyes would burn and burn, god, she hated me so much, and it’s funny because I was perfect every day of my life for her, and the only thing I got for it were the hundreds of love letters burned in a fire place and a half-hearted ‘remember me’ in her will.

I’d gotten the letter a few weeks before- I don’t even remember when. I thought I was fine at first- I was proud of myself for taking it so well. Then I started skipping meals (because I wasn’t hungry, I told myself, I would eat a big breakfast tomorrow, I told myself). I spent four hours studying instead of my usual two. I skipped class too climb trees and talk for hours to my shimmering, perfect reflection in the lake- “Mother died, yesterday. I’m doing okay except- it’s just that- sometimes it’s hard to breathe. You know how it’s always harder when you just don’t want too anymore?”

But oh! That sky, that sky!

The sun warmed my cold face, I breathed in deep and it was more than just air, it was more- and when I started to cry, I thought about my life and doubted I would ever stop. There was nothing left inside but tears. An empty void, a vast, flooded nothing. God, where had my soul gone?

One step- one movement- one rush of air- and there! At last, there it was! Time stopped. All around me, the world melted and distorted like a finger-painting left out in the sun- sky became grass- grass became sky- the wind rushing, whistling, whirling past was a cacophony, a myriad of sounds! It was Bach, it was Beethoven, it was mother singing me softly, singing me gently to sleep, forever-sleep! Oh, the beauty, the heartbreaking irony; I was alive! I was alive at last, I had found my soul!

It can’t have been more than ten seconds- but that was all it took. My last thought before drifting into unconsciousness I will never forget, because I laughed out loud and screamed it into the blurry finger-painted sky around me. “What a world! What a mirage!”

The patchwork hills sharpened in focus below me.

The ground rushed up, up, up.

I closed my eyes, and I smiled- I smiled because I would never have to open them again.

Oh, the sun was so warm!

And I was free.

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