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Snogwarts; A Parody by Paid AccountHourglass winnerOy_Angelina

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Rating: R. Created: October 10th, 2005. Updated: October 27th, 2005. Read Reviews (80)
Disclaimer: Characters, the magical world, etc, is property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Bros, not the owner of this fic.

Snogwarts: A Parody is meant to be short, it’s meant to be stupid, and it’s meant to make fun of Lily and James fan fiction clichés in general.  This is not an attack against any specific story or author, so please don’t be personally offended if elements happen to resemble a story you wrote or like.  Hope we all get a laugh from it, but if you are easily offended by vulgar language and sexually suggestive material, I wouldn’t recommend this story for you.


* * *

~ Snogwarts: A Parody ~

By: Oy! Angelina

* ~ *

Cast of Characters

* ~ *

James Potter as
THE SEX-DRIVEN WANKER BOY!!!

Lily Evans as
THE BITCHY GIRL WITH A STICK UP HER BUM!!!

Sirius Black as
JAMES’S SLIGHTLY MORE SKANKY B.F.F!!! (Best Friend Forever for those who were never 13 year old girls)

Remus Lupin as
NICE GUY WITH A MYSTERIOUS PAST AND SHIT!!!

Severus Snape as
EVIL OBSESSIVE GIT WHO IS NOTHING LIKE HE IS IN THE BOOKS!!!

Also starring . . .

Arabella Figg as
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING THERE AND WHY IS SHE SUDDENLY LILY’S B.F.F.???

And Random Peoplez as
ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ALWAYS SUCK!!!

And introducing Peter Pettigrew as
THE GUY YOU NEVER SEE!!!

Supported by a cast of thousands!!!

* * *

~ While riding on the Hogwarts Express back to school, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew sit in a compartment talking and stuff about the term soon to come

REMUS:
I’m glad we’re going back to school.  I love Hogwarts and the many wacky adventures we have there.

SIRIUS:
Yeah, I miss my loyal legion of bitches.

JAMES:
Speaking of bitches, Lily Evans is hot and stuff!  I’m totally crushing!  I’ll show her how much I LUV her by trying to sexing her up.

REMUS:
How does that prove that you love her?  I mean, you’re always sleeping with everyone James; it’s not a special gift.

JAMES:
But it’s the gift that keeps on giving: OH YEAH!

REMUS:
Mostly social diseases.  I’ve seen you in the shower, mate, you should get that checked over by Madam Pomfrey. 

SIRIUS:
Why were you watching James in the shower?

REMUS:
I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to watch youthful, hard-bodied men in the shower while panting and feel completely comfortable with my masculinity.  Besides, Lily is a nice girl and deserves to be better than “the 300th convenient hole”

JAMES:
It’s my 300th Shag?  I had COMPLETELY forgotten!

SIRIUS:
I didn’t.  I got you a card.

~ Sirius hands James the card which causes James to get all misty over the gesture.


JAMES:

Awww. . .

REMUS:
(Pissy)

It’s not something to be proud off!  It’s probably going to fall clean off one of these times and a girl is going to keep it as a souvenir!

SIRIUS:
See?  Its pussy statements like that which compel people to write all that slash fanfiction about us.

REMUS:
If you’re so heterosexually masculine, then why are you included in them?

SIRIUS:
. . .

JAMES:
Good question, Moony!  Why do you think that is, Sirius?

SIRIUS:
. . .

JAMES and REMUS:
. . .

~ Sirius crosses his arms scowling.

SIRIUS:
. . . queer . . .

JAMES:
Anyway  . . . can we get back to how I’m going to get Lily?  I was thinking we’d engage in this love/hate relationship where we fight and prank each other all the time, but everyone around us is completely aware of the sexual tension.  Then, near the breaking point, we’ll get into a tickle fight, which will just be foreplay, in effect, and, once we’re tangled in one another’s arms, we’ll kiss in a moment of weakness.  Afterwards, I think we’ll go back to trying to hate one another some more, but slowly realize that we really don’t and get all jealous over one another and admit to being in love and living happily ever after, until ten years from now when I get a mistress who looks as hot as Lily used to when we were young.

~ Sirius wells up with tears as he hugs James

SIRIUS:
That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard!  I hope you succeed, Prongs!

REMUS:
(Depressed)

I’d leave you both right now, but I have nowhere to go.

~ Peter looks up.

PETER:
Hi, guys, what’s up?

* * *

~ At Hogwarts, the first day of classes, Lily Evans strolls the halls looking so good.

LILY:
It’s good to be back at school.  I missed being paradoxically desired and popular, while being a hot-tempered bitch.

~ Snape approaches Lily breathing through his mouth more than necessary.

SNAPE:
Hi Lily!  Can I smell your hair whilst rubbing lewdly against you?

LILY:

Um.  I’d prefer not.

SNAPE:
Fine then.  I guess I’ll just go back to licking pictures I’ve taken of you without your knowledge because I’m utterly obsessed with you.

LILY:

Have fun with that then.

~ Snape walks off in a pout just as Arabella Figg comes racing over to Lily with three other girls who are all the same character in essence and not worth differentiating.

ARABELLA:
Lily!  It’s me, your best friend forever even though there’s no canon for it!  I have also brought along the other nameless, faceless girls in our Year at Gryffindor, who say encouraging and occasionally witty things, while swooning over all the Marauders, except James.

THE SMART ONE:
Let’s go study!

THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE:

Girlfriends we need to do something ill!

THE SLUTTY ONE:

I’m totally crushing on everything with a penis!

~ Lily and Arabella walk down the hall with the three other what’s-their-faces right behind them.

ARABELLA:

So, rumor has it that James Potter is interested in christening one of your body cavities.

LILY:

That’s gross, my B.F.F.!  Can’t you say make love?

ARABELLA:

Probably not if we’re still going to talk about James Potter.

THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE:

That’s mad, yo!  The boy’s a player and he’s going to leave your ass cheaper and more broken up than the Spice Girls.

THE SMART ONE:

It’s so cool that Lily’s hip and trendy friend uses all these slang and pop-culture references, even though they have no place in the 1970’s era!

THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE:

Word!

LILY:

I hate James for a multitude of irrational and petty reasons, which makes it completely impossible for us to ever be faced with a situation that will awaken new sensations of longing in our souls. What should I do? 

THE SLUTTY ONE:

I say let him tap your ass.  Virginity is for fat and ugly girls who are afraid of popularity.

ARABELLA:

The slut has a point.  No fan fiction ever describes Lily as fat or ugly, unless they’re ripping off the plot to “She’s All That”.  If that’s the case, then the story has more problems than an unpopular Lily.

~ James and the other Marauders walk up to the girls.

JAMES:

Hi Lily, Arabella, and other people.  Lily, can I talk to you for a minute?

LILY:

I guess so.

~ Lily and James walk off a bit from the rest of the group.

LILY:

What did you want to talk about, James?

JAMES:

Well, when I was walking behind you up the stairs, keeping a respectable distance so I could get a glimpse of your panties, I found out you weren’t wearing any today and thought I’d let you know.

LILY:

Oh yeah, someone keeps stealing all my underwear, so I’m sort of stuck.  It wouldn’t be you, by chance, would it?

JAMES:

No, but we can find a broom closet and shag like it’s going out of style if that will make you feel better.

LILY:

I can’t.  I believe in only sleeping with people for love and all I feel for you James Potter is raw, animalistic lust.

JAMES:

But only fat and ugly girls afraid of popularity ever believe in waiting for love.  Come on, I’ll shag you senseless and tell everyone you’re a freak in the sack.  Pretty soon, you won’t be wearing underwear on purpose!

~ Lily slaps James because that’s what girls do in the minds of writers who are misogynistic or prone to violence themselves

LILY:

I hate you, James!  And I mean it when I say it because it’s impossible for me to repress my feelings of sexuality on the topic.

JAMES:

Are you sure you’re not just playing hard to get?

LILY:

Of course, I am!  It wouldn’t be a Love/Hate plot if I didn’t pretend I didn’t want to ride you like the wild stag you are!

~ Lily storms off with her girlfriends right behind her.

JAMES:

Yeah?  Well you’re walking out on the best 8 seconds of your life, baby!

* * *

~ Back at the Marauder cave, our heroes (minus Peter, because we all know what he’ll do and hate him for it) grapple with James’s problem and pool their collective resources into getting him laid!

Will they be triumphant or will James have to buy a cantaloupe, poke a hole in it, and warm it in the microwave to a comfortable temperature?

Read on to find out!

JAMES:

Well, phase one of my plan entitled “Lily and James love/hate plot # 286,549” is well under way.  Lily hates me, now we move into the “love” portion of things.  Any suggestions of what we should do?

SIRIUS:

I know what we should do.  For the next few lines of dialogue, let’s have a bunch of unnecessary swearing littering our conversation because the author doesn’t feel like coming up with any interesting adjectives or assumes that all teenagers are foul-mouthed spazes like they are with their poorly articulated friends.

JAMES:

Fucking-A, Sirius!  I have to figure out a damn way to make that bitch Evens all about giving up the ass, but everything I do makes me look like a cock-sucker.  I’m pretty sure I can make her beg for it like a whore on ecstasy now, though.

REMUS:

Well you have to stop acting like a pig-fucker, James, as you have been.  If you keep behaving like this, she’s not going to let you fuck her with someone else’s dick.

SIRIUS:

Yeah, and lay off on the ho-ing when you’re trying to fuck her.  That sort of crap makes bitches shit glass.


REMUS

(Looking ill)

Can we stop swearing now?  I really want to wash my mouth out with soap because there really was no need for all that.

~ Remus runs off with a bar of Irish Spring. James turns to Sirius with a concerned expression.

JAMES:

I think we might have made a baby cry somewhere.

~ Peter walks up.

PETER:

Hey guys, what’s up?

* * *

~ Elsewhere in the castle, Snape walks through the halls happily examining his strand of Lily’s hair.


SNAPE:

Now that I have some of the hair Lily left behind in potions class, I can complete my polyjuice potion and become Lily.  It will be so great to touch myself in naughty places.

~ Snape pauses.

SNAPE:

Correction, have LILY EVANS touch HERSELF in naughty places. 

~ Focused intently on his fantasies of being a woman, Snape does not notice James Potter and his friends run up and grab the waist band of his pants and pull them down to his ankles, thus revealing his “Potions Stud” boxers for everyone in the hall.

SNAPE:

(Angry and humiliated)


Damnit, that’s the 400th time you bastards have pantsed me!  I can’t believe I keep falling for that.  Well, that tears it, I’m committing to overalls!

~ The Marauders smile awkwardly at one another, pushing James forward.

JAMES:

Actually, before you do that, we just wanted to give you a little something to mark the occasion.

REMUS:

A new set of boxers!

~ Remus hands Snape a box for him to open.

SNAPE:

Cool!  They say “Real Wizards Brew Sedatives” and have little beakers and unconscious witches all over them!

SIRIUS:

Yeah, we got a card too!

~ Sirius hands Snape a card to read.

SNAPE:

“We don’t say it nearly enough, but that doesn’t make it any less true, there is no one in the world we want to pants more than you.  Love James, Sirius, Remus, and that other guy.”

~ Snape’s eyes begin to tear up.

SNAPE:

You guys, this is just so thoughtful!

~ Snape reaches into his pocket to find something to dry his eyes and drops a section of cloth on the ground. James helpfully picks it up.

JAMES:

Here Snape, you dropped your . . . women’s underwear?

~ Snape stares at the Marauders and the Marauders stare back at Snape

SNAPE:
(Innocently)

That’s not mine.

SIRIUS:

Dude!  We just watched you drop it.

REMUS:

Is that “Lily Loves Snape” written in blood?

~ Snape pulls his pants back up.

SNAPE:

It was a gift.

~ Peter walks up.

PETER:

Hey guys, what’s up?

* * *

~ In the Gryffindor girls’ dormitory, Lily bursts in to show her other friends a letter she had just received.

LILY:

Arabella, you’re my best friend, I want you to read this note I got and tell me if you think it’s on the level.

~ Lily hands a note to Arabella for her to read aloud.

ARABELLA:
“You don’t know who this is and this letter is impossible to trace.  If you want to know what happened to your underwear, meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight.  Fondly, James Potter.”

THE SMART ONE:

I wonder who sent it.

LILY:

It’s a mystery.  I have no choice, but play into this villain’s hands.  It’s drafty in this school and those chairs are really cold to sit on.

THE SLUTTY ONE:

That’s why I always sit in some guys lap.

THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE:

You know what would be whack, dawg?  Is if the letter was from James and you both hooked it up.  It would be the shiz-nit if you let him jack into your internet high-speed access style, girl!

LILY:
(Confused)

What does that even mean?

ARABELLA

(Panicked)

She’s possessed!  You guys hold her down; I’ll burn the evil out!

LILY

(Frustrated)


We don’t have time for that!  My life is more important than all of yours since I’m the only canon character in this era, so let’s pay attention to me and James.

THE SMART ONE:

(Guiltily)

Lily’s right.  It was wrong for us to want more than 2-dimensional personalities or plausible names

~ The four other girls hang their heads in disappointment with themselves.

LILY:

That’s alright.  Hey, I just had a really funny thought.  What if James and I DO get together?  I think it would be great and worth repeating consistently in other stories if Arabella and Sirius became a couple too.

~ Arabella scratches her head.


ARABELLA

(ambivalently)

Actually, I’m not all that interested in Sirius.  Besides, isn’t it cliché to have the two B.F.F. get together just because the main characters do?


LILY:

No, it happens all the time in real life.

ARABELLA:

Not so much, if you think about it.

LILY:

Well, I don’t care.  If I end up with James, you have to end up with Sirius.

ARABELLA:

But I don’t want him!

~ Lily starts slapping Arabella.


LILY:

Don’t EVER argue with me again in my fic!  You make me look bad!


ARABELLA:

AHHH!  Okay, stop it!


LILY:

(Screaming)

Who’s the boss?

ARABELLA:

Tony Danza!

~ Lily stops hitting Arabella.


LILY:

Damn straight!

* * *

~ In the Astronomy Tower, Lily Evans waits for midnight and the mystery author of her letter to show. A shadow on the wall announces the stranger’s presence. Peering through the darkness, Lily gasps as she sees who it is.

LILY

(Shocked)

James!  I had no idea it was you!

JAMES:

It’s alright, Lily, I’m the resident mischief maker.  My ways provoke awe and are completely intractable.

~ Lily crosses her arms in a huff.

LILY:

Well, I would like my underwear back now, if you please.

JAMES:

Look Lily, this isn’t about me or who has your underwear.  This is about me and the fact you’re not wearing any underwear.

LILY:

Go on.

~ James leans in close to Lily, pulling her against him in a seductive manner worthy of Harlequin novels and daytime soap operas.

JAMES:

We cannot fight this any longer: the relentless yearning to experience on another’s embrace.  That is why I asked you to the Astronomy tower, Lily: to show you that our destiny is written in the stars.  We mustn’t fight like animals, we must shag like them!

LILY:

I feel as though I’m experiencing a moment of weakness.

JAMES:

Then I shall take advantage of the situation as I have taken advantage of a great many others!!!

~ James leans in and kisses Lily face-hugger style from the Alien movies.


LILY:
(Breaking away)

Still, I must resist!

JAMES:

Why?

LILY:

Because I have to needlessly draw this out for the sake of tedious plots and being an otherwise cock-tease.

JAMES:

I see.  Can I shag other people while you’re doing this?

LILY:

Why did you have to ruin this beautiful moment with your infidelity bull?

JAMES:

Because my brain doesn’t have a whole lot of blood to work with at the moment.

LILY:

I’m going to go back to not liking you now and start dating lots of random people!  I’m certain that I will not, in any way, compare them to any possible relationship I could be having with you and you will not be provoked to take any jealous actions to win my heart.

JAMES:

(Angrily)

You double-standard ho!  You had better hope the sex is going to be hot once we start having it or else!!!

LILY:

I’m a tease so I don’t care, ne-ner ne-ner ne-ner!

~ Lily runs off laughing because I said so.


JAMES:

Oh yeah!  Well the jokes on you because your skirt flips up in the draft from the window!

LILY:

Eek, I’m a slut by default!

* * *

~ Returning to his friends, James enters into their room glumly.

JAMES:

I’m never going to get Lily to love me.

SIRIUS:

What happened?

JAMES:

Nothing, that’s just it!  She wouldn’t even let me fondle her!  I mean, what kind of self-respecting woman doesn’t give into the pressures of a subtle romantic atmosphere and guy relentlessly trying to get up her skirt? 

SIRIUS:

I say a gay one, but I’m a pig like that.

REMUS

(outraged)


I can’t believe you’re objectifying Lily like this!  It’s horrible that you two carry on like this all the time!

SIRIUS

(Annoyed)


Remus, why must you always insist on being sensitive like a bitch?

REMUS:

Because I’m the guy who’s hurting on the inside.

JAMES:

Well, I think it hurt so much your penis died, now FOCUS everyone!  We have to figure out how I’m going to shag Lily.

REMUS:

I thought you wanted Lily to love you?

JAMES:

Shag/Love, it’s really a game of semantics at this point. . .

SIRIUS:

Well, whatever you need of us, mate, we’re here for you.

JAMES:

Thanks, Sirius.  You know, I was thinking that if I do end up with Lily, it would be great if you started to see Arabella, as well.

SIRIUS:

Why would settling for buggering one girl be great?

REMUS:

Because intimacy with one person is so much more rewarding than with multiple people.

SIRIUS:

Spoken like someone who gets along a little too famously with his own two paws.

REMUS

(Defensively)


I have a system down and it works!

JAMES:

I’m telling you, Sirius, you HAVE to go with Arabella.  What could be better than me and Lily having our best friends together?

SIRIUS:

Arabella and I living in sin with anything we can slide tackle to the ground?

JAMES:

You have to date Arabella.  That’s just how it goes.

SIRIUS:

Look the most I can, in good conscience, commit to is promising to shag her, but otherwise it doesn’t look good.

JAMES:

You’ll go through with it or I’ll drug you and let Remus REALLY give those slash fanfic writers something to work with!

~ Remus smiles with a wistful expression

SIRIUS:

But I’m always the dominant one in those!  Remus can’t pull it off!  Look into those dull, effeminate eyes!  He’s just begging to be shackled and beat, the little ponce!

REMUS
:

No matter how hard I try, I always come off as desperate.

JAMES:

I’m serious here. . .

REMUS:

No, you’re James.  Sorry, obligatory Sirius name pun that everyone is tired of but authors still find clever.

SIRIUS:

(Glumly)

In order to honor my reputation of seething hot hetero loving, I have no choice but to date Arabella . . .

~ Remus pats Sirius on the ass – er – back in a gesture of comfort

REMUS:

There, there.  You can always vent your frustrations on Snape with some cruel and possibly dangerous prank.  Possibly using some supernatural creature as a means to scare him or test the bounds of your friendships in order to get a cheap rise out of a Slytherin.

SIRIUS:

(Still sulking)

I guess. . .

Peter walks up

PETER:

Hey guys, what’s up?


* * *

* * * * * *

* * *

Okay, that was mind numbingly stupid.  Those of you who are familiar with Strong Bad and the Teen Girls Squad might have gotten an extra giggle.  Look for part 2 soon.

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