The Misadventures of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs by ficexchange
Merry Christmas, Anne! (GlynnisGriffiths)!
“C’mon, do it!”
“Stop being such a pansy, Wormtail, and just do it!” Sirius rolled his eyes and fixed the blonde boy with an exasperated look. Peter glared rebelliously at him for half a second, but the insult worked; with a self-conscious expression on his face, he snatched the bundle of clothing from off the floor and marched into the loo.
He stuck his head out minutes later, a faint blush staining his round cheeks. From his bed, James lazily propped himself up on his elbows and grinned expectantly.
“Go on, Pete, don’t be shy,” he cooed encouragingly; the other boys broke out into snickers. Peter hesitantly shuffled out from behind the door, staring nervously at his feet with an increasingly reddening face. It wasn’t difficult to see why he was embarrassed.
The clothes clearly didn’t fit him; they were intended for a tall, skinny girl, and Peter was none of those things. The buttons on the plain white blouse looked ready to burst at any sudden movement, and the sleeves were tight enough to be a second layer of skin. The pleated skirt, clearly intended for longer legs, brushed just past his knees, revealing Peter’s chubby pale calves. He hadn’t even bothered with the tie.
Sirius broke out into loud guffaws, James started sniggering uncontrollably, and Remus buried his head into his pillow to drown out his laughter.
“Oh, Peterette, your beauty enchants me,” Sirius chortled seconds later, all the more amused by Peter’s growing mortification.
Remus lifted his head from his pillow, pausing in his fit of hysteria to squint his eyes in an expression of pained patience. “Erm, actually, Padfoot, I’m pretty sure that’s not a – ”
“You, me, Hogsmeade next weekend, eh, Peterette?” James interrupted, his teasing words separated by bouts of laughter. Sirius glanced at him with a mischievous glint in his shadowy eyes and smirked – the formation of an idea in his mind could not have been more obvious even if a light bulb had appeared above his head.
“Oy, Prongs, got that camera around here somewhere?” he called, sending a malicious smile in Peter’s direction. “I reckon Susan Cooper deserves to see this," he explained, snickering at his mate’s blatant distress; Peter had fancied Hufflepuff Susan Cooper practically as long as James had fancied Lily Evans.
The blonde boy cast a disgruntled look at Sirius over his shoulder as he hurriedly marched back into the bathroom to change, clearly wanting to prevent the creation of any photographic evidence of his embarrassment. When he emerged again moments later, he was wearing his regular clothes and carrying the bundle of girl clothing in one arm. He threw it viciously at Sirius, his face beet-red from humiliation and anger.
“Your turn,” he said snappishly.
Sirius shrugged, carelessly catching the uniform with one hand. "Fine," he drawled, his voice purposefully coated in boredom, "it's not that big of a deal." He didn't bother going into the loo - he wasn't quite as modest as Peter - and instead stripped off his shirt and trousers right by his bed.
The clothes definitely fit him better, probably because he was significantly leaner and taller than Peter. His dark hair, which he liked to keep long and shaggy if only to infuriate his easily irritable Mum, just reached his shoulders, which made him look fairly feminine, especially when combined with the skirt and blouse
James let out a low wolf-whistle, winking appreciatively at him. Then, because Sirius’ ability to appear completely casual even when dressed in a girl’s clothing practically taunted him, he said, "Impressive, but I doubt you have the guts to go down to the common room dressed like that."
Peter chuckled, his face nearly its normal pasty color again. "That would be bloody hilarious," he chortled, reveling in the reversal of roles. Even Remus looked up at Sirius expectantly, curious to see his reaction to their words.
As usual, Sirius couldn't refuse such a challenge, especially one that so blatantly insulted his bravery. He sneered disdainfully, turned quickly on his heel and started towards the door, calling over his shoulder as he went, "Come along, lads; you're about to witness the bravest bloke in Hogwarts in action."
“Or the thickest,” Remus muttered; Peter and James snickered in appreciation. They obligingly followed Sirius down to the common room, their eyes shining with a combination of eagerness and anxiety about the spectacle they were about to witness.
The room was packed; because it was a weekday, most students were crouched around tables or spread across couches and armchairs, finishing up the homework that was due tomorrow. However, one group of younger girls was engaged in an intense game of chess right by the boys’ staircase; they were the first to spot them.
"What is he wearing?" One of them whispered conspicuously; much like the boys, their initial reaction included much laughter and disbelief.
"It looks like a girl's uniform!" Another one exclaimed rather loudly, before breaking into high-pitched giggles; her words attracted the attention of a nearby group of students who, with their obnoxious pointing and stares, easily managed to bring all the eyes in the room to rest on Sirius Black. After all, it wasn't every day that one of the most popular blokes in school dressed up like a girl.
Sirius, for his part, was eating the attention up. He strolled around the room, moving his hips in an extravagant manner, blowing kisses to all the boys in the room. Every few moments, he would cast a smug glance over his shoulders at his mates, who stood shell-shocked by the group of chess-playing girls.
James, for his part, was bouncing on the balls of his feet, alternating between jeering at Sirius and calling out encouragement. Peter was turning red again, either because he was feeling the embarrassment that Sirius so clearly wasn’t, or because he was still mulling over his own experience in the girls’ uniform.
Remus, once he had recovered from shock, slapped a hand against his eyes as though he couldn’t bear to watch anymore, and sighed dramatically. "He really is insufferable sometimes." James patted him on the shoulder reassuringly and continued cheering.
Just as Sirius was about to turn back to his mates and triumphantly return to the dormitories, a younger boy ran up to him, his eyes shining with earnestness. Although the boy was more than a few inches shorter than Sirius, he managed to throw his arms around him in an affectionate hug rather easily, prompting more laughter from the common room spectators.
"Be still, my beating heart!" he exclaimed dramatically, pausing to glance hopefully around the common room as he called out, "Quick, someone take a photo!" And then, without any warning whatsoever, he pecked Sirius on the cheek.
Catcalls filled the common room, and a camera flashed. Horrified, Sirius wrenched himself out of the boy's arms and glanced around wildly, lamely attempting to find the source of the flash. He opened his mouth, colorful insults on the tip of his tongue, but before he could say so much as a syllable, James had latched onto his arm and started dragging him up the staircase, laughing maniacally all the while.
When they entered the dormitory, he released him, practically wheezing as he collapsed onto his own bed. Sirius, on the other hand, looked ready to pounce. "Who was that little bugger?" he snarled. "I'm going to kill him!"
A rare grin spreading across his scarred face, Remus matter-of-factly replied, "Dedalus Diggle - hilarious bloke, that one." He seemed much more satisfied with Sirius’ stunt now that it had ended in Sirius’ humiliation.
Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, angrily ripping the girls' uniform off as he retorted, "You’re a bloody rotten mate – you’re all rotten mates!" He swiveled his eyes accusingly to Peter and James.
James didn’t even bother pretending to be apologetic. He continued pounding his fists on his bedspread in a fit of hilarity, his face growing increasingly red from lack of air. “I can’t believe – your face!” he gasped.
After pulling up his trousers and buttoning his normal shirt, Sirius dropped onto his own bed and fixed him with a nasty glare. “If you think it’s so funny, why don’t you try it?” he sneered viciously. “That’s right – because you’re a sissy.”
James laughed, practically radiating smugness as he taunted, “Fine, I will try it. I don’t think anything I do could ever be humiliating enough to even compare with your snog with Diggle.” He grinned triumphantly, already sauntering across the room to pick up the bundle of clothes Sirius had so carelessly abandoned on the floor.
“Oh, no, not those clothes,” Sirius interrupted, just as James was about to snatch the uniform up off the floor. His smile was almost disturbingly gleeful. “No, I think we’ll find something a little more special for Jamesie to wear.” Ignoring the looks of confusion and/or panic his mates were adopting, he snapped his fingers.
Almost instantly, a house elf appeared, looking quite nervous at being summoned. “Can Cookie help Mister Black?” she squeaked, tugging absentmindedly at her pillow-sack dress.
With an evil smile on his face, Sirius patted the spot beside him on his bed. “Yes, Cookie, but first…please, take a seat, relax a little,” he practically cooed, leaning forward to retrieve a random bottle of Butterbeer from under his bed. “Here, have some of this.”
Cookie glanced anxiously at the Butterbeer, accepting it but holding it awkwardly in her hands. “Mister Black, Cookie should not – “ she muttered unsurely, her tennis-ball sized eyes darting wildly around the room, as though trying to find an escape.
“Just drink it!” Sirius ordered impatiently and, with one last anxious grimace, Cookie lifted the bottle to her mouth and took a big sip.
Peter glanced at the house elf – he had always found them utterly creepy – and finally broke the silence that had descended on the room since Sirius’ demand. “What are you doing, Padfoot?” he asked, his voice almost as nervous at the house elf’s.
Sirius held up a hand to silence him, watching almost hungrily as the house elf took guilty sips of the Butterbeer. “Just sit and watch.”
So they did. They watched, as the house elf grew increasingly more comfortable with the Butterbeer, even beginning to giggle happily after she had swallowed a few sips. When she had finished the bottle, Sirius was ready; he snatched it out of her hands and replaced it with another full one. She clapped her hands together gleefully and, within moments, she was completely tipsy.
“Now then,” Sirius began smugly, gently placing a hand on the house elf’s shoulders to draw her wandering eyes to him, “Cookie, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go to the girls’ dormitory for the sixth year Gryffindors and bring back the first piece of clothing you find. And don’t let anyone see you! Got it?”
Cookie, although drunk, still seemed to retain a semi-accurate moral compass. “Cookie is not sure she should be doing that, Mister Black; Cookie thinks that is stealing…” she looked unsurely at the eager boy standing before her.
“It’s not stealing, it’s borrowing; we’re going to give it back with them once we’re done using it,” he assured her quickly; when that failed to appease her fears completely, he continued persuasively, “I’ll give you more Butterbeer…”
Cookie shifted her weight hesitantly, but the offer of Butterbeer seemed to do the trick. “Well, okay, s’long as Mister Black and his friends give it back,” she finally replied, hiccupping slightly. In another second, she had disappeared with a small pop.
Sirius smugly glanced at his mates. “And that is how it’s done.”
James shook his head, as though regretting he had ever agreed to dress up in girls’ clothing. “You’re completely nutters; it better not be some bloody dress or, I swear, Padfoot, I’m going to – “
But they never got to find out what James would do, because, at that moment, Cookie reappeared, holding a new bundle of clothing in her arms. She dropped it on the floor, eagerly accepted the bottle of Butterbeer Sirius held out for her, and disappeared without another word, almost as though her shame for her actions wouldn’t allow her to stay near evidence of them for longer than a second.
Meanwhile, James had dropped to the floor by the bundle, and was hesitantly poking it. The other Gryffindor boys gathered around him, looking excitedly at the piece of clothing.
“Wh – What is it?” Peter wondered aloud. James held it up, scrunching his nose in concentration, turning it this way and that, as though trying to make sense of the pile of silky fabric.
It was a flimsy, lacy, black dress; the straps were thin and the cut was extremely revealing, but the worst part about the outfit was the suspenders attaching the dress to a pair of lacy stockings with bows on top.
Sirius recognized the sultry outfit first, and started cracking up. “It’s – it’s lingerie!” he exclaimed, practically panting as he fell to the floor in fits of laughter. James dropped the clothes as though they were contaminated, springing up off the floor and hurriedly backing away from the offensive piece of clothing.
“I will not, I will not, I will not!” he cried dramatically, a horrified expression on his face.
Remus shrugged apathetically. “Tough luck, Prongs,” he teased. “It’d be a shame for you to get all dolled-up and have no place to go; shall we make you go down to the library in that?”
“That’s too cruel,” Peter cut in, sending a sympathetic look at James. A second later, he grinned, and snidely added, “No, I’d say the common room is good enough.”
James shook his head stubbornly, but Sirius, it seemed, was intent on witnessing something even more embarrassing than his Diggle-Snog incident. “Don’t be such a bloody coward, James,” he scowled, pulling himself up off the floor lazily. When that had absolutely no effect, he started chanting, “Sissy, sissy, sissy – ”
Grimacing, James angrily trudged across the room and picked up the clothes. “If I do this,” he growled, pointing the fistful of clothes at Sirius, “you owe me fifteen galleons.”
Sirius grinned. “Deal.” He watched excitedly as the bespectacled boy stomped into the bathroom to change.
James emerged several minutes later, wearing the embarrassing costume abashedly. All three boys started guffawing at the sight of him, but before they had the chance to study him very closely – not that they particularly wanted to – James turned and started towards the door, a look of dark determination on his blushing face.
He marched down to the common room, right into the center of the room, and loudly declared, “Look everyone! I’m a girl!” Because, when James Potter dressed up as a girl, he at least did it with his head held high.
Needless to say, everyone looked. The common room was quickly filled with disbelieving noises and rambunctious laughter. One girl loudly cried, “Hey, that’s mine!”
But the loudest voice belonged to Lily Evans who, having just entered the common room with a pile of books in her arm, glanced at James and incredulously exclaimed, “Potter! What in Merlin’s name are you wearing?”
At which point, James’ confident facade completely failed, his face turned red enough to rival even Peter’s, and he promptly ran up the stairs towards his dormitory. “I am never dressing as a girl again!” he muttered under his breath as he pushed open the door to his room.
“Agreed,” Peter and Sirius said, following closely behind him. They simultaneously paused in their race up the stairs and sent a mischievous look at their fourth roommate, who was leisurely lagging behind them. Remus shook his head firmly.
“Don’t even think about it,” he replied.