Reviews on "Harry Potter and the Horcruxes" by hpboy13
Written by lily_evans on chapter #30.
(June 9th 2008, 5pm)Hey, Anonymous? You just said everything I wanted to say. :(
hpboy13, I can sympathize with you that this is a treasured piece for you - since it was your first and all. Hopefully, Anonymous has read this story.
However, you may want to change your summary of the story AND the title (It seems to be too long of a tite and too obvious). To me, it's giving a lot away and that could be why there aren't too many readers. In the summary, I suggest your also include PRE-DH and "Note: this story has been written many years ago, so please do not read (or something like that) if you aren't willing to read a 13-14 year old's writing."
^ This isn't an insult to you. Just so you know, it's for other reader's to know what they're getting into.Also, about Life Goes On ... I'm not too sure about it. Lee/Angelina? I'd like to take a look, but I'm not sure. I'd rather beta Just For This Moment. It seems to be one of your more recent writings and I'd love to work with that piece.
Also, about me already betaing Chapter One ... I am going to send it to you (Just for you to look at my betaing skills; you don't need to upload it if you don't want). I'd like it if you could write back with some suggestions for my new skills??
:D lily_evans
Author Response:
Well, I probably would put something like that in the summary, if it didn't have that irritating 60-word rule. As such, most of my summaries are utter crap even as they are. And in the summary I do say it's my version of book 7, which kinda implies it being pre-DH. And as for other readers not knowing what they\'re getting into, they\'ll find out soon enough. And whiel the title may be a bit unwieldy, I wanted to title it as the regular HP books are titled, and thought I'd get straight to the point - I loathe wildly ambiguous titles. Just For This Moment is another pre-DH piece, and so I\'m not gonna edit that one either - though I don\'t think that one even needs it, I\'d say it\'s my best fic to date. If you wanna beta Life Goes On, email me about it, though I should start putting it up within a week. I\'ll go check my email right now.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #30.
(June 3rd 2008, 7pm)Look I know that lily_evans was wrong in betaing without asking you, but ..
I've read the first version of lily_evans IMPENETRABLE, and it was awful. Reviewers hated her story, of how it was written, how it was OOC, etc. You get the point. But when she actually started listening to her reviewers (Either get a beta or start over), she chose to get a beta. This resulted in her writing coming along beautifully, and she also had more reviews (Here you only have lily_evans reviews and a couple of anonymous. Shouldn't you be thankful that although lily_evans is giving you straightforward criticsm-something that will herp you, she has stuck with your story for the bigger portion of you fic?)
And looking from all of her reviews, she doesn't seem desperate to protect the cyber-world from "poor writing". All she's doing is trying to help YOU. Not herself or anyone else. If you look at your reviews, she hasn't mentioned anything about what other people would like-just what she thought is good and what might help you. Many of your answers to her reviews have been mostly biting retorts. When she starts off straightforward, it’s looking like she put a lot of time into her review. Notice how she says that you have a lot of potential, but it’s going down the pipes. You insulted her after that! It was a COMPLIMENT to you! :D
Listen, I know it seems like I’m on her side and just criticizing you, but I’m on neither side. I want to help both of you, because lily_evans started out with close to no potential and now, she’s doing great with IMPENETRABLE. You are (have?) started out with a lot of potential, and I guess she recognizes that. She wants to help an aspiring writer … someone that could be good as the author of A Keen Observer (I suggest everyone should read that fic; it’s AMAZING!)
Please rethink her offer, and hopefully say yes? Look, she’s even willing to do it and bother you with your exams. That’s a lot to take on, like you said. She probably has exams too … but she wants to help you. And even if you do want to keep your fic the way it is, having her revise it is a better idea than keeping an almost-good story up. Why don’t you have two copies of your story – the old and the new?
- Anonymous.
Author Response:
Okay, you have some valid points. First off, however irritable some of my responses come out, I am grateful to lily_evans to reviewing - it's obvious she's putting a lot of time into this. I appreciate the attempt to help, it's been duly noted. But what neither of you seem to get is that I don't WANT help. I am posting this as an example of my early writing. If these criticisms are the same for the post-DH fics I post, they will be duly noted and I will work to fix it up. This story, as far as I'm concerned, is ancient history. And while I like reviews and enjoy hearing what people think, I'm not desperate. I responded to lily_evans first reviews quite politely, I hope (the Internet can be such a fickle friend when conveying tone), but after the two-dozenth review condemning my writing style, do you blame me for losing a bit of patience? And I'm putting it up mostly for my friends from other HP sites, so they can read my earlier work and hopefully see how far I've come. I'm glad you think I have potential, btu I'd like to think I've already realized a tiny bit of it. Tell ya what, I'm about to start posting my last pre-DH fic "Just For This Moment", and that's one that I'm duly proud of. Read that (it's shorter than this, don't worry). And I see no purpose in revising an old story when I cna write a new one. This isn't up for a prize, I'm not winning a scholarship nor recognition on it, so I'm leaving it as is. Oh, and before I forget to ask - did you actually read any of this story, or are the reviews just turning into a debate forum?
Written by vodkaholic on chapter #5.
(May 31st 2008, 8pm)Hermione singing is definitely.. different. Some of the conversations seemed short, and detail was lacking. You just kind of awkwardly went from one thing to the next without an even flow. Your formatting needs to be fixed, but it's not a big deal. I like the humor you tried to throw into it.
Author Response:
Well, you're right about the formatting, it's such a pain on this site! Yeah, I know the singing is a bit different, but I wanted to put in a bit of it, and the humor, to kind of contrast the plot, because this fic does take place in the middle of a war after all. Huge thanks for all your reviews, and I hope you stick around to read the rest of the fic (it gets better, I promise!)
Written by vodkaholic on chapter #4.
(May 31st 2008, 8pm)I like the way you wrote the articles. The one about Rufus was most amusing, and the part about purebloods still being around when the war is over.
Author Response:
Thanks, I'm super-happy you liked it, since that type of formatting is a bit of a risk, but if I made all this news as part of a conversation, there would've been no end to it.
Written by vodkaholic on chapter #3.
(May 31st 2008, 8pm)I really like the idea of the Patronus dagger, very clever! I think this would feel less rushed if you used more detail, but it's still pretty good. I like it. I know how hard it is to try balancing too much detail and too little, it's not an easy feat at all. I also like the way you described the part of Voldemort's soul being destroyed.
Author Response:
Thanks, I'm really glad you like it! To quote Dumbledore, the Patronus dagger was "one of my more clever ideas". Yeah, this gets more detailed later on, at this stage I was still trying to get the plot in motion.
Written by vodkaholic on chapter #2.
(May 31st 2008, 8pm)Er.. I'm not quite sure how Narcissa would be able to just ring the doorbell, considering the extensive amount of charms on it. Maybe she could communicate through Kreacher, yes, but I'm not sure she could get to the house that easily. Again, I think your characterization might be off a bit. The conversations seem short and a little forced, but they're to the point which isn't bad. I do like the way you described Hermione and Ron, though. I'm interested in seeing how this goes.
Author Response:
Well, I'll be honest, I just had to get Narcissa to Grimmauld Place (I do attempt some explanation in the next chapter)
Written by vodkaholic on chapter #1.
(May 31st 2008, 7pm)Mm. Seemed a bit rushed, characterization seemed a bit off, but it wasn't so bad. You've definitely given a different characterization to people. I'm a little disappointed he killed Draco, poor Cissy.
Author Response:
Well, this was the first thing I ever wrote, so I agree with that criticism. Poor Cissy indeed, but remember this incident!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #25.
(May 28th 2008, 10pm)Oh no!! I was just about finished beta-ing the first chapter! For your fic, what I meant by beta-ing was fixing spelling/grammar and a small amount of canon fixing (word choosing, phrases, slight details, etc). Are you sure? - I'm positive that I'd be fine working on it alone, and it's your desicion to upload it or not.
Please?? (I know I'm begging, but ...)
Author Response:
So let me get this straight...you beg me to let you edit my fic, start editing it anyway, and then continue begging when I decline the offer? I'm sorry, but that's rich! How desperate are you to protect the cyber-world from poor writing? Look, I obviously can't stop you from editing it, but I won't upload any edits on it, be they yours or mine, unless they're actual typos.
Written by lily_evans on chapter #24.
(May 27th 2008, 10pm)You know ... I was wondering if I could completely beta your story, though I'm not a beta. I applied to be a beta some time ago, but didn't make the requirement marks. I would really like to beta your story, because this story has a great plot, but the details make it strange.
Please? If you accept my offer, please email me the first chapter of the fic at rihannalover@gmail.com! Please? I can't promise that I will be able to beta chapters quickly, but I do promise that I can help you make it better.
Also, I'll do my best to keep it DH free, and I'm sure you'd be able to help me with that.
- lily_evans
Author Response:
Surely you jest... Look, I really appreciate the offer and all, I realize that you're volunteering for a s***load of work and that you genuinely want to help, but I really don't want to. Think of it this way, do you thik Jo would want to rewrite SS? I'm sure she's thought about it and thought "oh, this would be better if..." - in fact, she said as much about OotP. But she doesn't, because it's a completed work and for better or worse it's done with. Believe it or not, I am proud of this fic, crappy writing and all that aside, because it's my first one and on the whole I liked the end result. Oh, and I wouldn't be able to help you with anything, because testing season has just begun and I haven't even had time to write anything for a month. So really, thanks for the offer, but no thanks. However, if you do want to beta, I have the story I'm currently working on, and that I'd be happy to work on with you. It's called "Life Goes On", and is about Angelina, Lee, and George dealing with Fred's death (eventually, a Lee/Angelina fic). If you're interested, le tme know.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #22.
(May 23rd 2008, 7am)Mostly to agree with the previous review. What's the point of changing everything? Then it's not a Harry Potter story. It's derivative original fiction using some of the same names and terms.
90s girls might sing and dance, but not to 00 music and not Hermione. Lavender maybe, Hermione wouldn't. She'd think it was beneath her. And the wizarding world is built on tradition and history, not modern fads.
And no, Harry wouldn't kill. He might Crucio in a moment of anger but he has seen too much death to want to do it himself. That's what seperates him from Voldemort. That's why he only uses Expelliarmus and not AK.
There are still the seeds of a good story here. But what is wrong is SO incomprehensibly wrong it ruins it. Why don't you want to make it the best it can be by changing things or revising it before you post it?
Author Response:
You know what, I honestly give up. Listen to me now, once and for all. I DIDN'T CHANGE EVERYTHING, BECAUSE IT DIDNT EXIST AT TIME OF WRITING!!! THIS WAS WRITTEN 2005-2006 BY A 13-YR-OLD. Oh, Harry wouldn't kill? And your basis for this is...what? He uses expelliarmus against an Imperiused former friend, and Zabini hardly qualifies as oen of those. No, he wouldn't, unless absolutely neccessary. During the Ministry's fall, I'd say absolutely neccessary. Whether Hermione would sing and dance is a moot point - she probably wouldn't, but I thought it'd be a fun thing to include. And last time I check, ABBA wasn't 2000s music. :P I don't want to make it "the best it can be" because that would get rid of the foundations of the story. This is what I dreamed up before DH, before I knew the real version of Year 7, and I don't think I could preserve that during a rewrite. Also, since this was my first fic, I really don't want to change it because it's there to show how I started out and how far I've come. I'm posting it for my friends and people I met online who want to read my fanfics as they developed, and if someone on this site stumbles across it, good, I hope they like it. But I frankly have better things to do than revise this, namely write my own material. If you think the story's ruined, I guess that's just too bad.
Written by lily_evans on chapter #21.
(May 21st 2008, 10pm)I have exams coming up, so I'm going to make this short and blunt:
Hogsmeade DOES NOT HAVE A DISCO-WHATEVER.
Harry/(girl) McGonagall would never sigh at at ATTACK.
Remus cannot Apparate to Hogsmeade if one of the McGonagall's cast an non-dis or apparating spell.
Why would Harry kill? He is AGAINST killing.
No one can put STUFF in RoR. "Send them up to.."
The DA is secret.
It's not Luke Lovegood. It's Xenophilius Lovegood.
The interview is (stupid) and is in-coherent.
The song should be in phrases, not a paragraph.
Hermione would never dance or sing (again). She is a proper 1990's girl, not some 2008 Britney Spears.Gotta go to make sure I don't fail in French ... Sorry for the harsh review.
Author Response:
Then so will I. IN MY STORY IT DOES, WHATSOEVER. Yes, I'm sure sighing is forbideen in the wizarding world. He can f there's a non-Disapparating spell. Harry would kill to save his own butt, and ntoe that he doesn't use the killing curse. It's neccessary sometimes. Yes, someone can put stuff in the RoR, the real world allows for objects to be placed wherever the person carrying them is. The DA is not secret after OotP. It's nto Xenophilius because THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE BOOK 7. I think it's a fun interview, to each his own. Blame the formatting, it was in phrases originally. And proper 90s girls can't sing or dance? Where do you live? And I thought some singing and dancing would be nice before we strat nearing the climax. Hope your French teacher's less harsh than you are!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #19.
(May 19th 2008, 12am)This was really good. Just be careful of spelling&grammar, and also formatting errors.
The only thing that I would suggest is that Harry's vision should have his scar blindingly hurt, since it is Voldemort's Horcrux and all.
Author Response:
Ah, the formatting! It's driving me nuts! I try my best, believe you me. As for Harry's scar hurting...hmmm...I guess that would work, but since Harry's soul is the bigger, stronger, and triumphant one in this case, I decided that it wouldn't.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #15.
(May 15th 2008, 12am)Aah! This was so emotional! Though I think by placing the right words in the right places and using stronger words, you can make it even more emotional.
Also, (if you had italics) I would suggest using them when Luna's drinking the potion. And, there was a little of this:
'Ron snapped, “How’re we supposed to get to the statue if we can’t get past the cage?”
Hermione said, “I never said we can’t get past it, I said we couldn’t destroy it.”
Ron said, “What do you suggest we do? Go through the fire?”
Hermione said, Of course not! What I’m saying is, we need to move the cage out of our way, or make an opening big enough for us to go through.”
^^ YOU FORGOT QUOTATION MARKS
Harry said, “We’ll make an opening by cutting the bars! Diffindo!” A small break appeared in a segment of fire, which instantly vanished.Hermione tutted, “Harry, how do you expect to cut fire? Honestly! You can only cut solids with Diffindo.”
Harry said, “Fine, first I’ll turn in to rock, then cut it.” He uttered a spell that would transform something into rock. It didn’t work.'
Another thing is that I would suggest not using the word old-fashioned too many times :) I can't place my finger on it, but it doesn't sound right ...
* For your last review, OMG! I totally missed that! You're right on all of that ... But did - nevermind. :)
Haha! I take French too. I hate my professor. :( And I think the H's aren't pronounced, so just put an apostrophe in the H's place.
You're also right on the pocketknife .. though I do think it would take a powerful spell.
Also, I think that Sirius would give that type of toast and not Remus ... I think.
Overall, awesome!
- lily_evans
Author Response:
Oh my gosh, I'm so super-glad oyu liekd this chapter, because it is my favorite chapter of the whole story and I'm very proud of it. Oh, and thanks for catching the typo, I'll fix it. Yeah, I know it's kinda hard to ignore DH - that's the main reason I won't go back and edit this story; I don't think I can keep it DH-free. As for French - I think the H's are pronounced sometimes. But I don't know, I've given up on French (honestly, why on Earth must there be a subjunctive when present works just fine for the rest of us?) Touche on the Sirius point, you're probably right on that one, but I picture Remus as the more toast-giving one.
Written by lily_evans on chapter #14.
(May 11th 2008, 10pm)Isn't Snape supposed to be Headmaster? It just occurred to me .. I don't know if I'm missing something here.
Also, when Professor McGonagall takes 1000 points from Gryffindor (some time ago), it wasn't a very idea because houses usually have 300-400 points. And for 100 point take-away, I think that's a bit extreme - including the detention for all of January.
... Ginny wouldn't cry and be hugged by Hermione. She's too strong for that.. and do the British use "Chill out?" (I'm not trying to a racist, just questioning)
When Mark stops Harry, he should definitely be more solemn, including Harry. And can Aunt Petunia really go inside a magical home?
Also, Fleur's accent should be perfected !! She's French ..
And wouldn't Petunia know Snape? Plus, she should be very upset about her family's death and still be uncomfortable around wizard/witches.
Another thing ... When Petunia hides at Miss Figg's, couldn't Miss F. owl too? Though she's a Squib?
Mmm .. so far, okay again. But I'm pretty sure that Sirius' pocket-knife had melted .. And when Professor McGonagall speaks, maybe she should be a bit more formal :)
When Remus gives the toast, I think that you should fix:
lots of kids --> many kids
provided James can still have kids after all the times Lily kicked him where-the-sun-don’t-shine)--> don't include, doesn't sound toast-ish.The rest of it is pretty awesome .. good job :)
Author Response:
In my opinion, you're missing quite a bit here. Keep in mind, that Deathly Hallows NEVER happened. So how on earth is Snape gonna be headmaster when he's busy death eatering? And how precisely would Petunia know Snape? I most certainly didn't come up with the idea of having the Evans and Snapes in one city! Now, again, as to the 1000 points - admittedly that is the House's usual final tally, but one must keep in mind how many points are lost durign the process. I'm sure that 1000 points are gained each year, but many are lost. Anywya, it'll all work out...trust me... I don't know if the Brits use "chill out" - being that I had never been to Europe at time of writing, I wouldn't know. And how on earth am I supposed to perfect Fleur's accent? I'm flunking French! And Sirius's pocketknfe melted, but it can be restored. And as for thta nto being toast-like - I don't think the Marauders would give normal toasts!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #13.
(May 11th 2008, 8pm)Sorry about the last incomplete review! (lily_evans)
This was an "okay chapter". I mean, it was without too many errors, but wasn't too interesting.
When (girl) Professor McGonagall speaks, I think that maybe you should start a separate line so that the para doesn't get too big. But, just a suggestion and not necessary.
I have a question though. What code from Percy's note???
As a suggestion, I think that you should add Seamus making an obvious favoring for Gryffindor... like Lee Jordan! Then, when Gryffindor wins, Seamus should make another rude comment at Slytherin. :)
When Harry asks for protection while going to Ollivanders, I don't think that it's plausible. I don't feel that Harry would want others to be in danger, so he might try to tell people that he can go alone.
However, when they do go to Ollivanders, it should be a lot more longer and detailed. Which you can do by adding safety jinxes, Tripping Jinxes, and creaking noises.
Also, there is a repeat mistake here. You keep writing that:
Ron said,
Ginny said,
Harry added,
^ This is too short, and you can make your writing more detailed and longer by saying that:
Ginny said with a hint of amusement to her pink brightened face.
* But again, only a suggestion.Another thing ... 'As Harry helped Tonks up, he saw a paper amid the feathers. IT said, “The Secret lies within the Chamber.” Harry read it aloud. Remus said, “Well, we can safely assume that the ‘Secret’ refers to the wand, but what chamber is it talking about? Is it some kind of code?” Ginny said with a very bitter voice, “No, Remus, it’s not a code. And the ‘Secret’ is capitalized for a reason. While it does refer to the wand, it serves a dual function: identifying the Chamber. Where else would Voldemort hide this wand other than the Chamber of Secrets?”'
Instead of saying IT said, you can say:
Harry read aloud: "The Secret lies within the Chamber. The Secret, obviously-"
Remus interrupted Harry with a dull look upon his wolfish features. "The wand. The Chamber?"
Harry read part of the paper again. "The Chamber. The Chamber ... no, it couldn't be, could it?"
With a bitter tone, Ginny explained: "The Secret is capitalized for a reason, of course. Though it does refer to the wand, I'm sure it serves a dual function - identifying the Chamber. Where else would You-Know-Who - sorry, Voldemort, hide this wand other than the CHAMBER OF SECRETS?"Overall, good job!
- lily_evans
Author Response:
Well, not all chapters can be interesting, some plot setup has to be developed! The code from Percy's note: "Ronald Lives". That is actually what I'm gonna do with Seamus, btu since this is his first match I doubt he'd be as obnoxious as Lee was! I must say, Quiiditch was never the same after Lee left! :( And I'll admit I never was the best at writing dialogue (particularly when I was 13). Thanks for the review!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #13.
(May 11th 2008, 8pm)This was an "okay chapter". I mean, it was without too many errors, but wasn't too interesting.
When (girl) Professor McGonagall speaks, I think that maybe you should start a separate line so that the para doesn't get too big. But, just a suggestion and not necessary.
I have a question though. What code??
As a suggestion, I think that you should add Seamus making an obvious favoring for Gryffindor... li
Written by lily_evans on chapter #12.
(May 10th 2008, 2pm)OMG! This was GREAT! I think that this was my favorite chapter out of all of them. Seriously. I mean, when I was reading the part of the battle, I was literally leaning forward and actually biting my nails - which I never do.
Wow. This was great. Like really great. And for my last review, I meant for the battle to be just a little more suspenseful. Like you did here! (Which was AWESOME!)
I didn't know Fawkes could swallow Killing Curses? I just read the 5th book ... maybe I skipped over that part. Sorry!
Hmm .. the only think I would suggest is making the Inferi thing more plausible. I was sort of like "Huh?", cause I didn't think that Hogwarts would be allowed to have Dark creatures (which is what Inferi are) in their castle.
And I don't mean for you to go back on your fic and rewrite the whole thing. I just meant for you to go to PerfectImagination and get a beta to basically do it for you.
CONGRATULATIONS! (and I'm soo sorry for the too harsh criticism on Chapter 10. i know how it feels like cause people critized me a lot on IMPENETRABLE before i rewrote it)
Author Response:
Oh wow, thank you! Guess I finally managed to please! I'm really super-glad you liked this chapter, since I was getting a bit worried I'd never please you. This was the part of the story where I finally, in my humble opinion, finally got into the groove of writing this thing, and it'll hopefully be a lot less awkward from now on (though I make no promises). I am actually very proud of this battle scene, I worked on it a while (plus, in all the year-7 fics I've read, this is one battle that I've never seen!). Yeah, I knew the Inferi thing would be a bit wierd, but I wanted to write something cool for Halloween and this was what popped into mind. It technically wasn't Inferi, just a simulation (since you're right, those things msot certainly aren't allowed at Hogwarts). Anyway, thanks for the awesome review!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #11.
(May 9th 2008, 7am)Yeah, I'm with the previous reviewer: please get an experienced beta reader. The plot has SO much potential, but your writing is just too bald and too rushed to carry it at the moment. Chapter 10 should have been broken into at least 2 chapters to give time to write more about each event.
Sometimes you get the characterisation spot on and then other times it just doesn't work at all. I don't think Remus would raid a vault without asking. Sirius and Andromeda would not be welcome at a Black family reunion, and Ted Tonks especially wouldn't be. Sometimes your Hermione and Ginny just don't sound like themselves at all. Spending more time with Narcissa, after giving her such a good role, would allow the reader to connect to her pain. Getting someone to read it first would help smooth that out. I LOVE that you've put Dean's backstory in, and like I said, the actual overview of the plot is exciting, interesting, works with the necessary canon like the Hufflepuff Cup, uses the characters DH didn't use, like Zach, and has plot twists (Percy's note is intruiging!).
For the record, didn't Fawkes swallow a curse and get reborn when DD was fighting V in the DOM? So I think you're OK there.
I'm sure there are beta readers on offer in the forum or somewhere. Honestly, this could be such a good story. Your ideas are excellent!
(Also, if you double return break between paragraphs it might format nicely!)
Author Response:
Well, I'm in agreement that when I was first writing this, a beta probably would have helped (but it was voer at Mugglenet, and their fanfic site isn't nearly as friendly). Anyway, I'm certain that my characterization isn't perfect, but I do try my best, sometimes just making mistakes, or sometimes tweaking stuff a bit for the sake of the story (if Remus didn't raid Harry's vault, hwo would he have gotten the chocolate fountain? We sure as heck know he doesn't have the money for it, and I'd rather sacrifice a bit of characterization than canon). I'm really glad you think Dean's backstory works here - I'll admit I was a bit scared to put that in originally, since it really didn't have much to do with the plot, but I just felt this needed ot be told. I'm really glad that you like the plot, since that's what I'm trying to get feedback on (I know my writing style was awful three years ago, I laugh when I reread this). Huge thanks for reviewing!! P.S. double WHAT? I'm as confused as ever - I'm a writer, not a tech-savvy person.
Written by lily_evans on chapter #10.
(May 9th 2008, 1am)To be frank, this chapter was AWFUL. It has great potential but isn't good enough AT ALL right now. The battle should have been MUCH more detailed and long.
"Suddenly, Tonks was hit with the ImpedimentA Jinx!" This sentence is not writer-style at all- in fact is more 3rd grade like (not be rude, but just using plain critiscm).
I highly recommend a beta reader for you. Then, I'm sure, more people will review and read your story.
And how can Fawkes swallow Killing Curses?
And when Luna couldn't Disapparate, your description of Remus getting her to safety is highly comical and awfully child-like. It should be more dramatic and drawn out to make the reader lean in and "bite their nails" in anticipation.
Also, NO ONE CAN APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE OUT OR IN HOGWARTS GROUNDS. Remember? :)
When Slughorn is "whipping" up that potion, it should be describing how it looks and the reactions of characters. Besides, how would Slughorn know about the Horcrux potion?
Isn't Merlin supposed to be GOD? How could anyone know "his time"?
When Dumbledore is talking, it should be much more light-hearted and free too.
I'm really not trying to be rude, but there's SO MUCH POTENTIAL to this piece, and it's all going down the pipes because of major details.
Author Response:
How long exactly do you expect this battle to be? It's not supposed to be a long duel or battle to the death, just something in the way of getting the cup. And Fawkes can swallow killing curses, as is evidenced in book 5 (perhaps you should reread the books before criticizing me for plot holes?). And if you remember, people can Apparate right NEXT to the Hogwarts grounds, at which point McGonagall throws the doors wide open. And Merlin most certainly isn't supposed to be God, he's more of a Jesus/Mohammed/etc figure, as far as I can tell. So all in all, the only valid criticisms you have at the moemnt are the problems with a 13-yr-old's writing style, and I guess that's just too bad. I most certainly won't go back over a 70-thousand word fic and rewrite the whole thing when I can write new stuff, so that's just too bad.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #9.
(May 6th 2008, 12am)this is nice ... the normal chapter :)
but i really think that you should make sure there are spaces between para's.lily_evans
Author Response:
LOL!! I guess once in a while, even I can come up with a normal chapter. As to the paragraphs, I've tried formatting my stories here, and this site hates me. So I'm sorry, but the formatting will remain as is.
Written by lily_evans on chapter #8.
(May 4th 2008, 8pm)This chapter is soo funny! However, I think the explaining you're doing isn't exciting enough, but good job! Great chapter !!! And be sure not to use to much reptition :)
Author Response:
Well, looks like the story finally started turning positive a quarter way in! Glad you finally liked it. Explaining is very rarely exciting, but it's necessary. Once again, huge thanks for the, this time positive, review!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #7.
(May 4th 2008, 8pm)Hahahaa! I love the beginning of this chapter (after the article). About the article though, Rita would definitely write more twistedly and put more gossip than real information. I suggest that after the article, everyone should start discussing what REALLY happened. Also about Azkaban, I'm sure that it's not easy to get into Azkaban. And be careful of too many !!!
There's no suspense of Voldemort and Death Eaters coming, and you haven't portrayed that very seriously (just my view of it, don't get mad please!)
Also, there's a big mistake. How can Mrs. Weasley Ennervate the others and help Fleur if she's viewing through the Portal? Also, there seems to be no end to the battle.
Author Response:
That's not a mistake, Fleur Disapparates back to the Burrow with the rest of the Weasleys - I thought I'd made that clear. You're right, it's probably not that easy to get into Azkaban, but one can get permission. So let's say Harry got permission from the new Minister, Amos. I'm not getting mad, in fatc I really appreciate y0our feedback. If there isn't that much suspense and all, I guess that's a valid criticism - keep in mind that this fic was written when I was 13, and I'm just trying to get it up here to compare with my more recent writings (which are on their way). As for Rita's article, that was a tricky thing to write - I had to give information, btu at the same time make sure it's Rita (hence the bit at the end about partying). Once again, huge thanks for reviewing!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #6.
(May 4th 2008, 8pm)This is great! But remember, Petunia hated Lily and the wizarding world because she was never part of it. She hated, HATED Lily. And she wouldn't have been able to get into Harry's birthday party because of Muggle precautions, right? I think that Harry's reaction from Petunia's gift is also a bit out-of-character. Also, check your spelling and grammar, and also your capatalization! Hagrid's birthday letter would have had more spelling and grammar mistakes.
And when Moody and Harry's fight is going on, I think Harry should be speaking in CAPS. It would make it stand out more :)But Remus and Lily? They probably would've never told Petunia because Lily and Petunia became distant. Again, the spaces between para's would help.
Also, Remus would've never been able to raid Harry's vault. It would've been to protectes.
The picture memory is really cute, although I don't think Lily would've said that to Harry since he wasn't born yet. And again, Petunia wouldn't hang out with the Mauraders and Lily.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm sure you can do it! You have a great plot, and keep writing!
Author Response:
Well, the whole Petunia/Lily thing, you're just gonna have to bear with me - it does get explained in later chapters. Trust me, I did think all fo this through, I didn't just decide to make Petunia nice all of a sudden. And I think Petunia would have been able to get in because she knew about it, just like the Grangers get into Diagon Alley. As for Remus raiding his vault...um, let's say that Harry gave him access to his vault. Huge thanks for the reviews by the way, I REALLY appreciate them!
Written by lily_evans on chapter #5.
(May 4th 2008, 7pm)This is really funny, but I think that you should keep spaces between para's so that is is easier to read. I mean, I found myself skipping lines because of it and I don't know if others are, so just a suggestion. Also, I think you should make sure each character is acting the way they really would. Hermione singing?? And I think that Freaky Friday wasn't out in the 1990's ...Oh! I almost forgot. Make sure that your dialouge is in British form, and use words that British people would use (I'm not trying to be a racist, but I'm just suggesting).
Author Response:
Well, the paragraph thing you can blame on the formatting here - I just copy these straight from Microsoft Word. As for the in-character thing, I did my best. I had to tweak it a bit, btu I think I remained pretty faithful. There's a lot fo singing in my fics, because it's just a really easy way to get emotions across. And yes, the Freaky Friday song is anacronistic, but I was only 5 in '97, I don't know many great pop songs from then. Oh, and I didn't know much British back then!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #3.
(May 1st 2008, 7am)Right. Well, actually, I do prefer the plot to the real one. But your writing is too rushed, too much is happening in too few words, and there is no explanation for anything.
Also for someone going to his death, Regulus' note is remarkably chatty. I think he would be more solemn. Likewise, getting into the heads of the characters to explain WHY they're doing and thinking what they're doing and thinking would help. They have no depth at the moment. WHY is Petunia suddenly friendly to Harry? Did Narcissa have no reflection on what to do next? Ginny switching straight from 'cool' to 'flirtatious' was too sudden...and I don't think she'd actually undress him, not least knowing all her family were downstairs probably waiting to see what was going on. But there's a lot of difference between passion, like in DH, and actual seduction. Narcissa's illness was far too rushed, so there was no suspense. How did Harry know what was going on? Harry is almost NEVER the one who really knows why things are happening. How did Hermione get in the office? It's password protected - and Portkeys probably count as a form of apparition - no magic can get you on or off the grounds.
Also on occasion you use too much punctuation. One exclamation mark would do instead of about 6.
Voldemort's dialogue is a bit awkward, but, fair enough, he is hard to write for.
That said, like I said, I do prefer where this plot is going to the real novel, so I look forward to what comes next. Good luck!
Author Response:
OMG, my first review!!!!!!!!! PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sorry, this is just very exciting for me, I almost despaired of getting any on this site. With that said, I'll adress your points.I'm really glad you prefer this plot, that actually means a LOT to me (espeically considering I wrote this before DH came out - in fact right after HBP). Also, I'm going to say that my writing probably was too rushed and used way too much punctuation - in my defense, this was my first ever fanfic, written three years ago when I was 13. I'd like to think that my recent fanfics have a better writing style, and they'll be posted here in due time.Yes, the dialogue is awkward (Voldy is hard to write for when he's not threatening Harry). I don't read Reg's note as chatty, but I guess that's open to interpretation. As to why characters are doing what they're doing - if that was explained in the first 3 chapters of a 30-chapter story, that wouldn't be any fun! All will be explained in due time, so you'll just have to bear with me for now. As to Hermione gettign into the office - portkeys can be used to get into Hogwarts, as Dumbledore demonstrated in OotP. I promise that in a few chapters, this'll get much better, because then I really settled into the fic - it's always awkward starting these things.Again, huge thanks for reviewing!
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