Reviews on "Clandestine" by colorfulwonder
Written by mystery_spell on chapter #2.(May 5th 2008, 10am)
Please update soon :D
Written by Pogonotrophy on chapter #2.(May 4th 2008, 4pm)
I agree that this seems udeniably like Amaranthine by Playground_Love, but I wouldn't call it plagiarism. It seems that many of your scenes and ideas are loosely based on scenes from Amaranthine. Your style seems to imitate Amaranthine's but it doesn't have quite the eloquence that Playground_Love seems to have perfected. It's reaching for it, but it's not quite there. I understand if this is just coincidence. It happens sometimes. But I would strongly advise you to develop the part of the story line that does differ from Amaranthine as soon as you possibly can. Otherwise it can be taken as plagiarism.
I especially liked this: "He'd sit and watch, watch everything that happened, from Alice Williams' foot tapping a beat into the floor to Peter Pettigrew's showing socks in row three." I like this imagery. The idea that jumps into my head when I read it has partly to do with how I view these characters, but your writing helped this along. Though I don't necessarily agree with your characterization of James, I do like your characterization of Alice and Peter. The tiniest details can reveal the largest things about a person and you've acheived that here.
One thing that I would like to comment on that I don't like: one of your other reviewers said that James seemed an awful lot like Snape. I have to agree. The particular way that you write James's view of Lily, as if she is up on some pedestal, far, far, far out of his reach seems to sound more like the sad, unrequited love that Snape experienced. I'm sorry to bring this up again (I can hardly help it) but, I again see a strong similarity between Clandestine and Amaranthine. In Amaranthine, James has Lily up on a pedestal, like in Clandestine. But it's of a different nature. It's not...I'm not sure how to describe it, but you can see that James likes her, a lot, and she likes him too. She's on a pedestal, but they have a friendship. She's a type of savior to him, but not entirely because she wants him to save himself. In Clandestine, Lily reaches out to James, but it's different. There is a sort of patheticness that I don't think should exist in that relationship. That's why I said earlier that I don't agree with your characterization of James. The way that you've written him fits Lily's relationship with Snape much better. I understand that this is only my opinion and I understand that you only have two chapters up and things are only in the beginning stages up development, but be careful of your developments. I think you have the potential to write a good story, but you need to execute it with the utmost care because you also have the potential the write a bad story.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #2.(May 4th 2008, 6am)
this is obvioously stoel2n from amaranthine by playgorund_love
its oogd but plagiriezed, get your wn idwas
i started rereading amaranthine, and i kind of see your point, but that's the kind of writing i like to read and my plot is based on what i think is a completely different plane. however, i did happen to notice that playground_love did use the word 'clandestine' in chapter two... definitely didn't mean to use that, i spent a while on dictionary.com to find a title.
Written by Anonymous on chapter #2.(May 4th 2008, 1am)
Good. Short and consistant is good.
Written by Pattycake on chapter #2.(May 3rd 2008, 8pm)
I like this.
Although, when I read James, he reminds me of a Severus.
But no worries. I will be definitely reading this if you update. :D
Written by Anonymous on chapter #2.(May 3rd 2008, 8pm)
i love this.
it's so... different and fresh and new.
like a new car... smell and all.
okay idk where that came from. lol.
it's good. update soon.
Written by mystery_spell on chapter #1.(April 30th 2008, 10am)
My curiosity is getting the better of me. I would very much like to know what happened to James.
You could definitely continue this if you wanted to.
Written by blue_jeans on chapter #1.(April 30th 2008, 4am)
hmmm.... i'm not sure where you're going with this. it's good - a little disconjoined - but good. (:
its a good one-shot if you want to keep it this way.
though, it looks like an interesting story. (:
Written by luciferslounge on chapter #1.(April 29th 2008, 1am)
Honostly...i loved it. I definately think you should continue this...what a beautiful story it is so far...GREAT JOB!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #1.(April 28th 2008, 2am)
I liked this a lot. Both characters are really strong - you should definitely turn this into a full length fic.