A Runaway, a Rat, a Wolf, and a Prat: Boys Driving me into Insanity by Pheonix_Feather

“If we each take a half of the castle we can finish setting the passwords fairly quickly.”

James turned around, shocked to see me standing within a foot of him and already dictating instructions. I’d slept the entire train ride back after a particularly hellish morning in the Potter household (Herbert the house elf is a precious little fellow but apparently wake up calls aren’t his forte) and eaten enough food to store energy for six weeks. Needless to say, I was leaning towards peppy, borderline eager to begin my Head duties.

“Oh. I almost forgot.”

Almost forgetting responsibilities? How uncharacteristic of him. Although I didn’t say that because our new friendship pact most likely contains a clause prohibiting my wiseass retorts regarding his utter incompetence.

“I’ll take this half,” I said, pointing in front of me.

“Can I have that half?”

“If it means that much to you…”

Before I could even finish my sentence, he had saluted like a little soldier and sprinted off. I didn’t pay all that much attention to his continued insanity, though, because I was so pumped for setting the passwords. The Fat Lady always had the most ridiculous passwords so I had standards to live up to.

It took me nearly eternity to traipse my half of the castle, setting ridiculously amusing passwords (for example: Hornswoggle), before I finally finished. I was only sorry I didn’t get to set the Slytherin password. Sadly, James requested that half of the castle so I was stuck with the…

Of course he wanted that half of the castle. I would have just toyed with the idea of setting the password as something obscene but James would actually do it. I’m pretty sure getting us in trouble with Dumbledore within the first twelve hours would invalidate this whole friendship pact and allow me to murder him.

I tore back to the Gryffindor tower, only to realize that I didn’t know the password. Just as I was planning the most horrid way to murder Potter without going to Azkaban, he opened the portrait hole and beckoned me inside.

I would have asked how he knew I was waiting but instead, assuming it had something to do with being a Marauder, I asked the more pressing question.

“Am I going to get expelled for the Slytherin password?”

“What? Come inside, crazy.”
In hindsight, I probably could have pressed a bit more but I was so excited to be back. Between Petunia and the Potters, I had missed my four-poster at Hogwarts. Sadly, I just took that as an answer, failing to foresee myself in quite the predicament I eventually found myself in.

The eventual result came in rapid succession of tense, heated, often violent, interactions.

“Potter!”

Severus Snape stalked over to where James and Sirius were slowly strolling into the Great Hall for breakfast. James turned to the voice, saw it was Snape, and raised an eyebrow, not saying a word. Watching this exchange, I should have realized that shit was about to hit the fan, so to speak.

Snape stood for a moment, obviously contemplating whether it was worth humiliation to get James’ attention. He soon walked away and I saw Sirius roll his eyes, putting his hands up to his own perfect nose to imitate Snape’s hooked, greasy one.

An hour or so later, sitting in double potions and cheekily telling Professor Slughorn what I thought about the Slytherins, it happened again.

“Potter!”

So distracted with my brilliant Calming Draught, old Sluggy failed to notice Snape’s harsh whisper and James’ rude hand gesture. He failed to notice Sirius’ imitation of me, shockingly high-pitched, berating James for acting rudely as head boy. He failed to notice James rolling his eyes and turning to grin at me, to make sure I wasn’t going to kill him. He failed to notice Snape glaring between James and me, shocked that we were speaking.

If Slughorn had left me alone, I would have taken a swig of my own potion.

After double potions, I had Transfiguration. Brenna abandoned Alice and me to sit closer to Toby, disrupting the entire seating arrangements of the class. Taking her empty seat was Sirius. He sat down, gazing forlornly at James, and began to mock sob that they could not be together. James placed both his hands on his heart and promptly fell out of his chair.

McGonagall would have killed me if I had pulled that but I hadn’t been the first person to master a spell every freaking time she assigned one either.

Classes continued to be hellish, as teachers did nothing but remind us of our impending N.E.W.T exams. Because, I for one, definitely forgot that I would be sitting those this year. I was even angry with tiny old Flitwick, my usual favorite. How am I supposed to write an essay on the six charms for hair color change? It was Sirius, not me, that had charmed the Slytherins’ hair blue in our fourth year.

It was a sure sign of desperation that all four Marauders were in the library that night. Sirius had entered the library only twice in my memory; once to reshelf books for detention and once to apologize to Madame Pince for charming them to say inappropriate phrases. He never did reshelf books for detention again, come to think of it…

But there they were, all four of them, poring over books and looking just as frazzled as I felt. And then round three hit. I don’t know how many rounds there are in a typical boxing match, but I’d say the following month or so consisted of about a million.

Regulus approached their table. I originally thought that he had some family question to address with Sirius, vainly hoping this had nothing to do with the Slytherin common room’s password. But I saw Snape and Avery in the corner, whispering and glaring as Regulus approached.

I could hear Sirius emit a low, growling noise, even from two tables away.

“Change it, Potter.”

Regulus had only addressed James but it was Sirius who replied, forcing Regulus to look at him.

“Here on Snivellus’ orders, I assume? Well, what are you going to do if Prongs doesn’t change your bloody password, Reg? Write home to mummy and daddy about it?”

“Sirius-“ Remus had interjected, casting a weary glance at Madame Pince.

“The filthy half-breed having to help you hold your temper? At least Mum and Dad wouldn’t burn my letters.”

It was lucky, almost, that Sirius launched himself across the table at that point, blocking out all four of their cries of outrage.

Regulus swore as Sirius pinned him to the ground, attempting to hit every inch of him. Regulus soon overtook Sirius, whose anger seemed to distract him.

“Fighting Dad has improved your punch,” Regulus said coldly, before hitting Sirius in the jaw with a deafening crack.

Remus and Peter looked on in horror as James escaped from their grasps and flung himself onto Regulus. I was on my feet without being conscious of jumping up, joining Remus and Peter as they helplessly watched the growing crowd.

Madame Pince swooped down on the scene like a hawk, screaming, “FIGHTING! AND IN THE LIBRARY! THIRTY POINTS FROM EACH OF YOU!”

She was breathing heavily and it was clear she thought they deserved expulsion for interrupting the peace she tried so hard to keep in her library. Sirius and Regulus stood on opposite sides of her, glaring furiously at each other. James was panting, looking concernedly at Sirius.

“OUT! OUT BEFORE I WRITE HOME TO YOUR MOTHERS!”

James jumped and quickly grabbed Sirius, who shot one last glare at his brother, and quickly left, Remus and Peter quickly following. Regulus swooped out after them, flanked by half of the Slytherin Quidditch team, Snape, and Avery. Madame Pince took a deep breath and, preparing for more screaming, students quickly returned to their seats.

I grabbed my stuff and went to the common room, finding the four of them sitting by the fire. Do I go over or just pretend I wasn’t in the library? I just stood there.

“Evans, you can come over here as long as it’s not to yell.”

Peter looked up grinning nervously and beckoned me over.

I jumped, having not realized I’d been blatantly staring for at least thirty seconds. I nodded dumbly and went to sit, having no idea what words could possibly placate any of them.

“I’m so sorry, Padfoot. I’ll just go change the password and-“

Sirius looked up sharply and cut James off. “Don’t change it to pacify that little git, Prongs.”

James looked up and noticed me for the first time and bit his lip, looking at me imploringly. As if I’d know what to do…

“At least Madame Pince isn’t writing to your parents,” Peter supplied rather pathetically.

“Wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” Sirius said gruffly, his head in his hands, “Mum would have just sent Reg a note of congratulations and an advance on his allowance.”

Word of the library skirmish escaped rather quickly and jeering from both houses followed. I could barely walk three feet for a fortnight without hearing someone relay the event, each time embellishing the story more and more. At one point, a second year Hufflepuff was claiming that all three of the boys were in St. Mungo’s, only to be frightened into silence when Sirius turned the corner with his eyebrows raised.

Despite Sirius’ protests, James changed the password our fourth night of rounds, still adamantly refusing to tell me what it had originally been. (All I could get out of him was that it involved Snape, they Slytherin Quidditch team, and a variety of profanities).

Tensions still remained high, however, as the younger students merely followed Sirius’ example of jinxing Slytherins in the hallways between classes. Avery was rumored to have grown antlers and several students were missing from classes periodically.

Cole, however, I learned through stealthy research (Brenna conspicuously asking Toby), was still around. Apparently I had been avoided for the first six weeks of term. Toby refused to tell Brenna exactly what was going on but hinted that he’d lost interest. Vowing to never speak to him again, as he was clearly crazy, I headed to breakfast one morning…

…where crazy himself interrupted my conversation with James, asked him to move over, and sat down next to me.

Toby was sitting across from me, fawning unnecessarily over Brenna despite the fact that he had failed to make a move. I would warn him that her attention span with boys is rivaled only by Sirius’ attention span with boys but he seemed to find it humorous to fawn over her in increasing amounts when I was around, apparently finding it amusing to bring out my awkwardness.

Cole didn’t even acknowledge Toby and turned straight towards me. I cut him off before he could say anything, practicing my ice queen treatment.

“Not avoiding me anymore? I was just beginning to enjoy it,” I said, smirking.

He pretended not to know what I was talking about, glancing at Toby for help and failing miserably as Toby was pushing a lock of Brenna’s hair behind her ear. Sirius gagged into his porridge.

Cole grinned. “It’s just because I’m not in your year,” he said, shrugging. Oh, yes, Cole. Because I am so dull that I haven’t noticed you sitting on the other side of the common room talking about me in hushed whispers to Toby.

I grimaced which he took as his cue to leave. I’ll say this, though, he did it fairly smoothly. Even Sirius looked impressed.

“I actually have to get back to my friends as they appear to be staring,” he leaned in closer and said in a stage whisper, “although that could be at you.”

Before I could say anything, he’d strutted back to the sixth years he’d been hanging out with since Toby had abandoned him for Brenna.

James raised an eyebrow at me and I felt my cheeks burn. I’m still all icy and cold, don’t get me wrong, but he was melting my glacier attitude. Why, oh why, was he so damn charming?

“Quit staring, Evans,” Sirius said, smirking, and I heard Peter give a cough that sounded distinctly like “cradle robber.” Wankers.

James can check out skanky Amanda with wide, scrutinizing eyes, commenting vaguely on all aspects of her anatomy. Why can’t I stare at Cole? I won’t even comment on his anatomy (I’d probably get points deducted for explicit language).

Although, to be fair, James was allowed to dissect all the aspects of her as we’d found her half naked in a broom closet with Chestar Ingram a week into classes. It was quite awkward, actually. He took points off and made them go back to their separate common rooms without redressing properly. She simply glared at me and left. Because, obviously, it’s my fault that she had her blouse unbuttoned halfway in a closet. I make people do that all the time.

Actually, come to think of it, James and I had run across our fair share of couples. We patrolled half-heartedly on Halloween, too stuffed full of pumpkin pasties from the feast to really care about stragglers out after curfew but our lazy silence was soon interrupted when James stopped suddenly, I turned to see what he was staring at, and ran into a suit of armor. Clanging and swearing were sure to draw attention from Filch eventually, but James didn’t even notice.

He was staring at a broom cupboard.

“James?”

He held a hand up to silence me, took one long stride, and wrenched open door, revealing Regulus Black trying to talk a girl out of her clothes.

“Come on, baby,” he cooed, oblivious to James’ murderous glare. “What’s wrong?”

He stopped and turned slowly, spotting James and uttering a string of curse words.

“Detention. Go to bed.”

James spoke curtly and eyed Regulus, as if daring him to contradict him.

Happily obliging, Regulus swore again. “What about her?” he said, pointing an accusing finger at his female companion who threw him a contemptuous look.

“Swear one more time, Black, and I’ll take off points as well. And from what I heard, your lady friend wasn’t to keen on being locked in a cupboard, so I’m letting her off with a warning.”

“So you were listening, Potter? Trying to get some tips to talk your Mudblood out of her pants as well?”

That bloody prick. James made a move to draw his wand but then smirked. “Twenty points from Slytherin.”

Regulus roared. “And what about from Ravenclaw, Potter? Dumbledore wouldn’t like you letting my ‘lady friend’ off simply because you want to make me look like a fool. Give her a punishment, too!”

Well, if he wanted to get in her pants, he certainly just blew those chances by trying to get her screwed over…She looked like she could kill him.

James smirked again. “I’m not giving her anything except a wink and one of my dazzling grins. I would give her a trip to Hogsmeade but I don’t bloody well want your sloppy seconds.”

Regulus cast a malicious look at me and said, “But you’ll take Toby Topper’s?”

The next string of events was quite complicated but I’ll do my best to explain: I suddenly decided that murdering Regulus would be a wise and necessary move, rationalizing that really nobody would care and I might actually get all kinds of awards and honors for ridding the school of such an irritating pest. My thoughts were quiclky interrupted by James’ hand brushing my bum, which, giving the situation, I found was even more inappropriate than it would have been to begin with.

I jumped forward in surprise, remembered my intentions to throttle Regulus for his Toby comment, reached for my wand only to realize that it wasn’t there. James had not been touching my ass (thankfully. That would have been an awkward walk back to the common room) but had, in fact, stolen my wand, realizing my intentions.

That was really quite selfish of him, really, to deny my right to kill Regulus and the school’s right to not care. Well, I could still kill him with my bare hands…

I raised an arm to slap him but Regulus caught it and gripped my wrist tightly, pulling me closer. “Don’t you ever touch me,” he said venomously.

“Don’t ever touch her. I’ll arrange your detentions.”

James wrenched me free and quickly walked us through a door pretending to be a solid wall before rounding on me.

“What the hell were you thinking? I already gave him detention and took of points! We could have our headship revoked for that kind of behavior.”

This is new. James Potter is yelling at me for being rash and impulsive.

“And setting the Slytherin password as something inappropriate, lunging across the library tables to punch him, and giving draconian punishments for snogging is now considered appropriate behavior for a Head Boy?” I shot back.

“My punishments were standard!” he said, completely ignoring my other charges.

“James, last night you caught Sirius snogging behind a suit of armor and gave him a high five.”

“You noticed that?”

“Yes, James, I noticed.”

He mouthed silently for a moment, trying to grasp onto another argument and then burst out laughing. “I just didn’t want you to get in trouble or even hurt. Otherwise I would have let you slap the little prat, it would have been fantastic. I’m sorry I can’t really, you know, yell at you about it. I guess you’re better at that…”

Um, thank you?

He must have caught my expression as he quickly rephrased, “No, no, don’t get me wrong! It’s just that I was trying to be responsible but, quite honestly, your reaction was bloody brilliant.”

He bit his lip nervously and I grinned. It was pretty brilliant.

“It would have been more brilliant if you’d let me kill him.”

He laughed. “I think the detentions will suffice.”

“We probably should have made sure they went back to their common rooms…”

James grinned. “Do you really think she would stay in the cupboard after he tried to get her in equal amounts of trouble?”

“Good point,” I said, adding cheekily, “Good job flirting with her, by the way.”

He shrugged. “I just thought I’d piss off Regulus. Don’t worry, she’s not my type,” he said, grinning at me.

I rolled my eyes. He and Sirius don’t seem to be overly picky. “I wasn’t overly worried, you prat. You just better beat those idiots at Quidditch. You just better.”

"Of course I'll win. Have you ever watched me play? Now, come on. We have to get back to the common room because Sirius is already mad at me for not letting him throw a Halloween party."

Ignoring his narcissism about his athletic ability, I followed him. "Why wouldn't you let him throw a party?" I asked jokingly, just to see his eyes bulge out of his head as he actually believed that I would have let him.