The Not-So-Secret and Completely Manly Diary of James Potter by newyorkcitycop

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, boo.
Author’s Note: Inspired by Louise Rennison’s Georgia Nicolson books.

I’m kind of hesitant about putting this up because I go back and forth on it--I never really liked the first version of it anyway and I always wanted to rewrite it, especially after reading about Snape’s hilariously emo past--if I continue this, I’m going to leave some parts as they were in the first version but change some other things, mostly the stuff with Lily. What I really want it feedback, like what do you think of James’s drunken entry? Because I like writing them but I’m worried that everyone else will think they’re annoying or something. So, you know. Please review?

(And yes, I am aware that the title sucks ass. I debated changing it because not only is it stupid but I’m pretty sure grammatically incorrect as well, but . . . I’m lazy and couldn’t think of anything else. Sorry.)

(And I just found out Bellatrix and Narcissa were born, like, ten years before MWPP, but let’s just pretend that they got left back a few years.)

September 1st
Noon, Remus thinks (how can we not have a bloody watch between the four of us?)
So Sirius says that keeping a diary is ridiculously unmanly, which I find very offensive because, as I have told him time and time again, this is not a diary, it was a gift from my dear old Aunt Gertrude who just passed away recently in a tragic bicycle accident, I went to the funeral and everything, do shut up.

He just stared at me. I stared back.

"It’s still a diary," he insisted, "and it’s still girly and therefore unmanly." He shook his head sadly. "And you dare call yourself a Gryffindor!" And then he grew bored and turned his attention back to his card game with Peter (who is losing spectacularly as per usual).

Well, I think it certainly is rich of him to question my Gryffindor-hood and by association my manhood when he himself devotes ten minutes in the shower solely to conditioning his hair (and he can’t deny this, I’ve got video evidence). It’s not like I’m going to write about girly things, no; this journal shall be filled with Heroic Gryffindor Tales Full Of Bravery & Daring & Wit & So Forth, and I shall read it to my sons each night before bedtime and they shall listen, ears perked with attentiveness, eyes wide with amazement, tiny little hands clutching their sheets tightly in wonder and awe at said Heroic Gryffindor Tales from Back In The Day—"Oh, Father!" they will cry, "do you think that we could ever be as Heroic And Noble as you?"

“Well of course not because honestly who could be,” I will want to say, but, in an effort to not completely destroy their fragile self-esteem before they even hit puberty, will lie thusly: "Perhaps, if you try very, very hard. Good-night, children; your mother is in the other room strewn across the bed in a terribly skimpy nightie; I mustn’t keep her waiting.” And then I will wink roguishly at them, and they will wink roguishly back at me, and we will all have a good hearty laugh before I turn out the light.

That is what I am using this book for.

Anyway. On the train catching up with the lads. We’ve been separated all summer and it’s been hard on all of us, Remus in particular (he’s a Prefect now; really, I don’t think there’s anything better for him than our influence). He keeps banging on about Italy. “How was it? Did you visit any of the sites? I’ve heard it’s a lovely country. Well how was it?” That sort of stuff.

“I think the question ought to be, ‘What has Italy contributed to humanity since pizza and the Renaissance?’ And the answer is nothing,” I grumbled. “And I don’t want to gossip but the food was rather too rich for my tastes.”

Sirius let out a cough that sounded very suspiciously like “Fairy princess!” Obviously I shall have to hex him later.

Remus just smirked. “Italy’s full of culture. That’s probably why you couldn’t appreciate it.”

I raised an eyebrow. “England’s full of culture as well, and as you well know I am full of nothing but . . . appreciation for it.” I frowned.

“The Tower of London is not culture,” said Remus derisively.

“I ought to kill you for that, you know,” Sirius remarked casually, studying his cards. “Treason and all that.” He threw down an ace triumphantly.

Remus snorted at Sirius and then returned his attention to me. “Anyway, you’re just angry because you couldn’t stay with Eva this summer.” He smirked again. I would’ve cursed him but I didn’t feel like getting out my wand so I just sniffed in response.

“This may be true, but I still maintain that Italy is a crap vacation spot. I didn’t even see one topless girl while I was being held there against my will. Not one.”

“Tough break, mate,” said Sirius, grimacing.

This “Eva” to whom we are referring is quite literally the most exquisite creature I have ever and will ever see; she comes in from her motherland of la belle France every summer and usually snogs me, but this year, Mum made us all take a trip to Fucking Italy, and when I got back, my beloved was gone. So I missed out on a whole bloody summer of snogging, all thanks to Mum. Naturally I haven’t spoken to the woman since we got home.

Later
Two, maybe?
Lily Evans has just passed by our compartment and good LORD her tits are enormous! Me and the lads stared in shock as she walked by. For a second she looked in at us and I tried to avert my gaze but I think she caught me anyway because she gave me quite a nasty look before she got by the door.

"Good LORD," I said to the lads afterward, as Sirius prepared another deck of Exploding Snap, "summer agrees with Evans, doesn’t it?"

"Doesn’t matter," Sirius muttered, "she’s still a bint with a stick shoved up her arse."

I pretended not to hear him. "Perhaps we should go on summer hols more often. Yes," I went on, ignoring Remus’s pained look, "I shall have to take this up with Dumbledore immediately. Really, we’re at school most of the year; it’s ridiculous, the amount of work they expect us to do! We need more time to relax. And our girls obviously need time to develop."

"Hear, hear," said Sirius somewhat distractedly, smacking the deck of cards against Peter’s trunk (serving as a makeshift table). Peter grinned and Remus looked affronted but who cares, he can be such a wet blanket sometimes.

Hiding in the loo
God knows what time it is
As I was on my way to buy some sweets for us all, pockets heavy and jingling, a slight spring to my step, etc. etc. etc., I bumped into none other than Narcissa Black, Sirius’s cousin.

Actually she was leaning up against the wall and when I turned the corner I smashed into her. I think I might also have accidentally fondled her breasts in all the chaos. (Which reminds me: talk to Dumbledore immediately. Summer and girls, it’s no joke.)

"Er, Narcissa," I said, snatching my hand back, "what . . . how are you?"

"James," she said coolly, running her hands through her long golden silky lightly perfumed hair, "I’m quite fine, and how are you."

It’s really too bad that you’re Sirius’s despised cousin and a Slytherin because you’re bloody gorgeous, I thought of saying. Instead I just grinned at her and started to reply "I’m just ducky" when her sister Bellatrix came round the other corner.

"Cissy," she droned, "come back inside. Elise is making that noise again and if you’re not there to stop me I’ll murder her." Honestly.

Narcissa looked Bellatrix up and down. "You need to learn to manage your anger." Bellatrix snorted. "And I’m talking to James Potter right now, can’t you see?" Narcissa turned her attention back to me and grinned in a lazy sort of way. Sweet fanciful Moses, the things I would do to her! I don’t even dare write them down, they’re so bloody obscene.

Bellatrix flicked her eyes over to me and smiled slowly. It’s really too bad that you’re Sirius’s despised cousin and a Slytherin and also crazy because you’re bloody gorgeous, I thought of saying. Instead I just looked at her, gripping my wand discreetly.

"You seen my cousin yet, Potter?" she cooed.

"Er," I said. She’s a bloody lunatic, I don’t know what to do round her. I looked to Narcissa for help, but to no avail; she was busy checking her hair for split ends. "Er," I said again.

And then I hurried past them, calling over my shoulder, "Got to take a piss, you understand, don’t you, see you in a bit!" Like the fool that I am.

So now I’m lounging on the (closed) toilet seat, waiting until it’s safe to venture back outside.

I’ll probably be in here forever.

One minute later
Someone just knocked on the door. I tensed up and looked at it warily and hid this book but didn’t answer, in case it was loony Bellatrix trying to molest me or something (I’ve seen that glint in her eye whenever she looks at me. It’s unsettling).

"Potter?" a voice called out. "You can come out now, I’ve sent them away. I know how jumpy you get round Bellatrix." Head Girl and fellow Brave Noble Gryffindor Peaches!

Even amidst my overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude I still managed to be mildly offended. I hopped off the toilet and called out, crossly, "I do not get jumpy round Bellatrix. I get . . . how would you know, anyway?" I pushed the door open and gave Peaches the once over. She hasn’t got any tits, it’s really very sad. She might otherwise be a very attractive girl.

"Sirius told me," she replied.

The fucker. "Well he’s a liar, you shouldn’t pay any attention to him."

"Oh really," said Peaches, looking at me in mild amusement.

"Yes really. What is he even doing talking to you about me? Anyway. Peaches," I said, with the utmost of sincerity, "you are a truly magnificent woman. A credit to your race. I think I love you. Are you in a committed relationship and if not then will you marry me? Or at the very least let me take you out to dinner."

Back in the compartment
About bloody time, Sirius says
"Where are the Cauldron Cakes?"

"Get your own fucking Cauldron Cakes."

September 4th
3:31 pm (I’ve finally gotten round to nicking a watch from a Hufflepuff firstie, bloody pansies the lot of them)
In History of Magic. I tell you, I cannot for the life of me comprehend why we need to take this class. Who even bloody cares?

No, really. Somebody enlighten me, please.

3:33 pm
God, I’m going mad, I swear. I just took a glance round the room and none of us are trolls so why, WHY I ask you, should we have to know whatever troll-related miscellanea Binns is blithering on about? Just leaned over to Sirius to ask him this.

"Dumbles gets his kicks from subjecting us to cruel and unusual torture like this," he whispered, giving Binns a dark look. "You know I’ve always told you he’s off his rocker."

Just looked round the room again and spotted Remus a few rows ahead of us, diligently taking notes. Nudged Sirius again.

"Remus is taking notes," I whispered venomously. For some reason I’ve got quite a lot of rage today. Probably because they served porridge at breakfast again. Why those damn house-elves can’t understand I can’t stand the stuff is beyond me. "Look, he’s trying to sit very still so we won’t notice but you can see his quill moving back and forth. I am shocked and appalled."

"He must be punished," Sirius agreed.

We’re preparing a stockpile of paper balls to throw at him. Good times!

3:55 pm
We used up all our paper balls, woe. Sirius proposed chucking our ink bottles at him but I declined, because they might open and spill all over Remus’s books and we all know how he gets about those bloody things. Sirius was annoyed but eventually he saw my reasoning. Secretly I think (and Sirius agrees) that when he’s older, Remus is going to be like a cat lady, except instead of cats it’ll be books and obviously he is not a lady.

Lily Evans really has got fantastic breasts now.

3:56 pm
I can’t believe it, she’s taking notes too.

"Why are you so surprised?" Sirius wants to know.

What a bint. You can tell she thinks she’s better than everyone else.

Well, she’s not.

3:57 pm
Though her breasts might be.

In the common room
6:42 pm
Pretending to do homework but really spying on Lily Evans with Peter, who is unlike SIRIUS BLACK a GOOD FRIEND and also it’s not weird that I’m doing this; I am merely curious. So sue me if I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

"Do you think her breasts get in the way of . . . you know, normal things, like reading, and such?" I whispered, examining my blank parchment with feigned interest.

"Reading isn’t normal," said Peter, "it is a clear sign of mental instability."

"Yes," I amended quickly, licking my lips, “but I mean for people like Evans. You know."

"Oh."

"So?" I prompted.

"I dunno," Peter whispered, "hang on, I’ll check."

"Well, make sure she can’t see you looking," I warned. "She seems like the type to get really ticked off over something like that. Even though she’s asking for it; that shirt really is ridiculously low cut."

"Yeah," Peter said, nodding vigorously, "why do girls do that, anyway—"

"Shut up and check on Evans, there’s a pal," I interrupted.

Peter lifted up his (barely used) Charms book and peeked over the spine.

"What’s she doing? Are her breasts spilling out of her shirt?"

"Well, er, no," said Peter, frowning, "she’s just kind of sitting there, reading.”

I stared at my paper, transfixed. “How much d’you think those things weigh anyway?” I asked, in a low voice.

“Ten pounds at least,” said Peter knowledgably, and then tensed up. “Wait, wait—"

"What?" I demanded frantically, yanking down my parchment.

"She’s turning the page."

Good lord.

September 6th
Late
No classes today (hurrah!). Sirius is being typically moody and Remus said he wanted to "catch up on some reading" (that boy is a goddamn mystery) and I still haven’t forgiven Peter for his shitty spying so I just went off on my own, wandering aimlessly round the castle. Was having a very engaging, flirtatious conversation with the pretty girl in that portrait on the second floor when bloody Lily Evans came strutting down the hallway, swishing her hair all round like she owns the place.

“Christ, Evans,” I exclaimed, jumping back a bit in exaggerated surprise, “I almost didn’t recognize you without Snape breathing down your neck! Got rid of him, did you? High time, in my opinion.”

She just flipped me off and kept right on walking.

Class personified, that girl.

One second later
What I want to know is how she’s still able to walk with those tits? Under the normal laws of physics and gravity, she should be toppling over all over the damn place.

Must ask Remus about the theory of relativity and how it applies to Evans later. Maybe us magic folk are able to defy the laws of science? I do wonder.

October 5th
2:25 pm
Hogsmeade today, huzzah! Was until very recently having a drink with Sirius and the rest of the gang in the Three Broomsticks when I spotted Narcissa, who was prowling the streets alone. Her hair was pulled back with one of those white clips girls these days are so fond of, but at the exact second I caught sight of her the wind blew her hair back and it was all shiny and golden in the sunlight and I could practically smell her perfume so before I knew what I was doing I’d jumped up and was dashing outside.

"Got to say hello to someone, you understand, don’t you, duty calls!" I shouted back to the lads on my way out (Sirius tried to throw my butterbeer at me but I dodged it easily; his aim is atrocious).

Narcissa’d gone a little ways ahead of me so I called her name and she stopped and turned back. I hurried up to her, flashing her my most charming grin (it’s got a 99% success rate).

"How are you today, Narcissa?" I asked in quite a sexy voice (even if I do say so myself).

She smiled up at me for a moment and then said, "What a surprise to see you here, James."

"I hope a pleasant one," I said, and she tilted her head to one side with that slight smile still on her face and gave me Lusty Bedroom Eyes.

Oh, my.

4:46 pm
My snogging skills are not fucking "disappointing."

4:47 pm
That’s what Narcissa said: "Why, James Potter, you’ve disappointed me."

Just like that.

4:48 pm
And then she walked away. Like a fucking princess. Like she fucking owns this fucking school.

She’s worse than the Virgin Evans.

5:00 pm
Who does that, anyway? Leaves a bloke right after snogging them?

5:15 pm
Sirius has just strolled in, whipping his scarf about without a bloody care in the world. My snogging days may very well be over, but does he care? NO, he only thinks of himself.

"You’re so self-centered," I snapped at him.

"So’s your mum," he said immediately, and then looked at me. "What?"

5:30 pm
I have decided to forgive Sirius; I need his expert advice anyway. Tentatively walked up to him in the corner where he’s been sabotaging Remus’s stuff again.

"Sirius," I began, "old buddy, old pal."

"What do you want now?"

"Listen . . . Sirius, I need to ask you something, one Noble Gryffindor Male to another . . ."

Sirius stood up, wiping dust off his trousers. "Yeah?"

Grabbed his face and snogged him. His lips were sort of chapped and his face was rough but I did what I had to do and pulled away after a minute. "How was it?"

He just stared at me with wide eyes, frozen in place. "All right I guess?" he said slowly.

I gave him a filthy look. "‘All right I guess?’" Sighed impatiently. "Can you be a bit more specific?"

"Oy, don’t just grab me and snog me and then get all shirty with me!"

"Look, I just need an outsider’s opinion," I explained, as patiently as I could. "Narcissa says my snogging is for shit."

Sirius’s face went all weird then and he asked in a disgusted sort of voice, "Why have you been snogging my cousin?"

"Because she’s bloody gorgeous," I answered. "Why? D’you have a problem with it? It’s a free country you know, I can snog whomsoever I choose.”

But he just kept staring. I rolled my eyes, not to be deterred in my quest to prove Narcissa wrong and possibly improve my snogging skills at the same time.

"So,” I pressed on excitedly, “how would you rate my snogging? She said I was ‘disappointing.’" I snorted. "Honestly! Women."

Sirius seemed to recover his wits, there’s a chap. "Well, I don’t know, you caught me off guard so I was kind of thinking ‘What in the name of arse is James doing’ instead of ‘Oh my the varying pressure of his lips is ever so delightful.’" He gripped my shoulders. "Come on, now that I know what to look for, do it again, properly."

Ten minutes later
Snogging Sirius is . . . different.

"I don’t think you’re that bad," he said wisely afterward, "you don’t have bad breath or anything and your hair is clean and surprisingly fluffy, and you never bumped your teeth into mine or bit my tongue or anything. But your tongue work was a bit sloppy and messy at times and you kind of kissed hard, which I liked but maybe Narcissa didn’t. Try expanding your range of pressure."

Hmmm. This is all very useful information.

Clapped him on the back. "Sirius, you truly are my best mate. I would never be able to do this with Peter. And definitely not with Remus. Ha! Could you imagine his face if I asked?"

And we had a good laugh over that.

6:01 pm
But with whom to practice my newly revised snogging?

Not Sirius. I don’t want to gossip but I think he enjoyed our last session a bit too much for my comfort.

6:02 pm
His lips are quite nice though.

6:05 pm
Cupid’s bow, I think is the style.

One second later
What? I don’t know.

October 14th
12:03 pm
Paired with Saint Evans of all people in Potions today. I made a big show of groaning and mumbling and crying out "gah, Snape cooties" and Evans didn’t look too happy either, grimacing in the front with her daft idiot mates. Sirius was smirking at my bad luck and as I went off to our table he saluted me and said solemnly, "Godspeed." But then he got paired with Fat Elise from Slytherin so ha! (I passed by Narcissa on my way to the back, but I refused to look at her as she has insulted me in a terrible, terrible, unforgivable way and so I am mostly done with her, probably forever.)

Anyway. Lily was already at our table, Snape hissing at her and clutching her arm tightly. Why can’t he be normal? I just don’t get it. Lily seemed rather impatient with his stalker-ish behavior, in my semi-professional opinion.

“Oy, Snivellus,” I said as I strolled up, throwing my bag unceremoniously onto my stool. “You gracing us with your presence today or what? Clear off, jerk, to the back with you.”

And he glared at me and Lily in turn and went skulking off.

I glanced over at Lily, who was running her hands through her hair exasperatedly. “You might want to run that elbow under scalding hot water, you know. D’you want to go do that now? I’ll make something up for Slughorn if you like.” I winked at her conspiratorially.

“How considerate of you,” Lily muttered, but I could tell she was trying not to smile. Most unfortunately, she’s wearing her school uniform today and not some scandalous top. Dumbledore will stop at nothing to ruin my happiness, he’s really a very cruel man.

12:44 pm
The heat from the fire has made us all hot and sweaty and now Evans’s white shirt is sticking to her body! Her bra is RED! I think I might pass out.

Dear god, please don’t let me get an erection whilst working with Lily Evans in her surprisingly kinky red underwear today; if you do this for me I promise to try to be nicer to Snape (maybe).

12:45 pm
I do really love a girl who shows her House pride, though.

12:47 pm
Even if she is a notorious Snape-hugger.

End of class
We finished our potion and got top marks as of course I knew we would.

"Well, Evans," I said amiably as we put away our supplies, "it’s been a real pleasure working with you." And I wasn’t even being sarcastic; she actually made me laugh a few times! Which is shocking, and Sirius won’t believe me when I tell him.

"Likewise," said Lily, dropping her Potions book into her bag, "you were—surprisingly—not completely inept. Helpful, even." And she closed her bag and hoisted it onto her shoulder and grinned at me and went off, dodging Snape at the door as she did so.

One minute later
Oh my god I’ve started getting heart palpitations. Clutched my heart and raced over to Remus, since he is the only one with any drop of sense round here.

"Remus," I said frantically, "I don’t want to alarm you but I’m getting heart palpitations and I think I’m taking a heart attack. Can you do CPR?"

Remus just gave me a very knowing, sneaky smile that I didn’t like, not one bit. "Are you sure your heart isn’t just all aflutter?"

"What the fuck are you saying, I just told you it’s all aflutter! I’m dying, where’s Sirius, I’m dying and I want to see my best mate’s sweet smiling face before I go. Oh my god I think I’m hysterical."

And as I stood there, clutching my chest and hyperventilating, Sirius popped his head up from behind his cauldron and he had no eyebrows.

"Apparently James is dying," Remus said (quite snottily I might add and I swear I saw him roll his eyes). Sirius just looked at me pawing at my chest and yelling for a paper bag to breathe into and then he gathered up his bag and left.

At lunch
Sirius says that Fat Elise from Slytherin stirred their potion too many times and so it exploded, singeing off his eyebrows.

"Fucking fatty Slytherins," he keeps saying viciously. Fucking fatty Slytherins, indeed.

In Charms
It really is too bad Lily’s (allegedly) shagging Snivellus; she’d be all right otherwise, I think.

Lounging on Sirius’s bed
6:53 pm
Found a black grease pencil and told Sirius to hold still whilst I drew him some new eyebrows.

"Stop it, stop it, you’re doing them all crooked, get away," he keeps whining and is trying to wriggle out of my reach but I’ve got a firm hold on his hair so he isn’t going anywhere.

"I’m trying to make them look realistic," I yelled at him, pinning him down with my legs, "or would you like completely straight eyebrows? Hmmm? Who has straight eyebrows, I ask you? No, they’ve got to have . . . you know, a bit of . . . crooked-ness to them. It gives your face personality. . . . Oy, no spitting!"

Dear Mum (and Dad),

Look, I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a while but it’s not my fault, I am up to my ears in schoolwork and I don’t appreciate you trying to guilt me into writing. Have you learnt nothing from that Your Magical Teenager and You book I gave you last Christmas? You’ve got to give me my space or I’ll be forced to get a bunch of tattoos, piercings, etc. in a fit of rebellion. If you want me to do this then fine, by all means keep bombarding me with letters as I’m trying to finish my Transfiguration essay but otherwise please leave me alone.

I am also fine, and thank you kindly for the delicious brownies, Mum. As I write this I am devouring them and I’ve got chocolate all over my face now and it’s terribly unattractive so thanks for that.

Love,
Your pride & joy,
James

October 31st
5:15 pm
Today is, as everybody knows, Halloween, and so I have therefore declared that, before the huge party in the common room later tonight, we must go round the castle demanding sweets from the professors.

Peter is laughing hysterically at this. "They’ll think we’re mad!" he’s shrieking, rolling round on his bed and clutching his stomach and whatnot.

Exchanged a look with Sirius. Peter can be so very, very strange sometimes (read: all the time).

5:16 pm
"Oh for fuck’s sake, Peter, shut up—no, well, I didn’t mean for you to—but yes, gagging him with a tie was very creative, Sirius, I’ll give you that."

5:34 pm
We are all going as each other; I, for example, am Remus, with some big ancient book I nicked out of his trunk under my arm and my hair and clothes all neat and tidy; Remus is Peter, and as such has wetted his bangs down and applied some pink stuff to his cheeks to achieve that certain innocent, chubby, cherubic look that Peter is so fond of; Peter is Sirius, which should be hilarious; and Sirius is yours truly. He’s just been shaking his head around for the past fifteen minutes to mess up his hair and he’s also drawn (poorly) glasses on himself with that bloody grease pencil, which frankly I don’t find amusing and also I didn’t know we had that thing still lying around.

So we are off to collect treats for our consumption this Halloween from our adoring professors, hopefully leaving a path of chaos & destruction in our wake. Huzzah!

5:49 pm
Professor Whatshisface who teaches (although I use the term lightly; I can’t say I’ve ever learned anything from him) DADA was quite rude to us when we explained what we were doing and then he shut the door in our faces.

"What an outrageously barmy old bastard," I remarked as we went off.

"I bet he’s just bitter because he hasn’t been shagged in forever," said Peter earnestly. "I mean, have you seen that mole?"

We all shuddered.

5:57 pm
Reached McG’s door and braced ourselves. I, being the unofficial leader, bravely stepped forward to knock, but then we all instinctively took a few steps back because McG just does that to a man.

She wanted to know what we were doing.

"It’s called trick-or-treating, ma’am," I explained earnestly. "A delightful holiday tradition started by our friends back in the States. You demand sweets from—"

"Please do not bother me at my office ever again," she said briskly, and shut the door.

6:48 pm
We had some success with Flitwick, who gave us each a knut but blithered on about some rubbish I couldn’t be arsed to listen to for about an hour, so after that we just dashed down to the kitchens to pilfer some food off the house-elves and then dashed back up to the common room for the party. Let the good times roll!

8:53 pm
Oh RUM, how I’ve missed you! Let us never be parted again, my darling, my love!

8:54 pm
Oh what a surprise, Lily Evans is barely dressed up at all. Why must she always ruin everyone’s fun? And for a while there I thought she was maybe kind of all right.

9:03 pm
I mean honestly, all she’s wearing is this stupid yellow shirt that says “New York Herald Tribune” on the front right across her tits (what is wrong with her that she is always calling attention to those things? Has she got low self-esteem or something?) and some tight trousers. If she’s not even going to bother she should just shut herself up in her room, I say.

9:15 pm
She’s got quite a nice arse, tough

9:22 pm
Its real shapely.

9:23 pm
Still can t say much fer her personality, tho, m afraid

10:17 pm
So whaty if im trashed SO SUE ME

Perter says I may just take you up on that ahhs

I said YEAH MY DADS GOT THE BETSY LAWYERS IN TOWN ILL SEE YOUR SORRY ARSE IN COURT ILL TAKE ERYTHING YOU OWN

REMUS SAID LETS JUST TAE KIT EASY ALL RIGHT

I SAID THIS WHOLEa bloody party is a joke where are the pumpkings WHERE ARE THEY EH EH EH

Remus said I tole you you made em too early they rotted

Sirius fell of the couch and said ITS ALL ONE BIG FUCKIN CONSPIRASEE

And his bottel fell all overr the floor

It spilled

Sirius said awww maaan

Peter said,

I want to Bob for apples!

I said WE ALL WAN SOMETHIN DUNT MEAN WE GETS IT

Sius said aint that thw etruth

Rewmus fell over laughink

I threw my bottle I aid look over there fuckin evans innt even wearin a fuckin costume

Peteyyy saqid well it’s a feee country innt it

I said IT ABSOLUTEY IS NOT WHERES YOUR FUCKIN COSTUME EAVNS

She said bugger off

I said NO! wheres your costume ITS HALLOWEEN DON’T YOU KNOW

I said DON’T YOU KNOW, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE??? /

She said will you shut your face

?

I said NO YOURE DISREPCTING OUR YANKEY FRIENDS THEY STARTED THIS TRADITIOIN AN YOURE JUST SHITTIN ALL OVER IT ARENT YOU

ARENT YOU???

She dias shut up Potter or ill hex you

Remus said ahhh hes just drunbk, hes really quite a loverly person, it’s a shame you had to see him like this

Lilee just strared

Then remus said ohm I think itsd time for bed

And the fell over lauging agen

And now WERE IN BED HAVING fun without evans she hasn’t got eany SPIRIT she puts those tits to WASTE

WASTE I TELL YOU

Sirius said well yeah cos shes bloody stupid

And then he screamerd out the window EVCANS IS A BLODY CUNT!!! and he most fell out it was fuckin funny

Peter and remmy laughing on the floorwe

Sirrus camr bacm to my bed and grabbed my arm he said oy you you’ve got great arms you could be a sailor

DYOU HEAR THAT WORLD I VE GOT GREAT ARMS I COULD BE A SAILOR

November 1st
11:09 am
Evans,

Warmly,
James Potter

Potter:

Evans,

It was from a film you moron.

Oh, Evans. We were having such a lovely conversation, and you had to go ruin it like that! P.S. What is a film.

A film is something only intelligent people know about so I hope you’ll understand when I say I can’t tell you. Cheers!

Dear Evans,

Hugs,
James Potter