Reviews on "The Be All & End All, Falling in Love" by wolfnation

• Written by blue_jeans on chapter #1. (May 9th 2008, 1am) a like cliche at the end... personally i was hoping for a better ending since the whole thing was writing very well and entertaining. it almost read like reading a news article about james and lily, almost fun and funky to the point where i could picuture everything and feel the emotions. but, then it started to drop off... idk the ending wasn't the best. but i liked it. you did a nice job. blue_jeans Author Response: thankyou for your lovely feedback!i think i'd probably agree. this was written a long time ago and i tried to re-read it to get a better understanding of what you said, but to be honest i had to stop quite early in the piece hahadefinitely not my finest hour.

• Written by bluetomatopasta on chapter #1. (July 27th 2007, 5am) First off in something of a long review, I want to say that I love the original voice in this piece. A few times I think it may have gone a little too far (“darling Lily-kins here” and “ickle James there” ended up seeming a little demeaning instead of humorous. To me, at least), but I liked the approachability of the story. Many times I liked your use of fragmented sentences, too. I rather liked the way you simultaneously introduced the characters and the plot at the beginning of the story. It was a unique solution to one of writing’s classic pitfalls. That being said, I also think that section could benefit from a bit of tweaking; instead of cramming so many details into two short paragraphs, use longer sentences with good transitions to reveal specific, and pertinent, sides of the characters. In a one-shot, we don’t need to know every single thing about two complex people (especially since the reader has at least a cursory understanding of JKR’s characters). To do this, you can choose a few personality traits and explain them well—essentially, make them your own! The purpose of fanfiction is to give our views, opinions, etc. on things. If JKR said something you don’t believe is consistent with your POV…well, cater everything (characters, story, setting) to your beliefs! Er, OK, end rant. “Obvious, or not obviously enough; the pair were arguing about Severus Snape, or more lovingly known to James as Snivellus.” Grammar—I caught, actually, many errors. To help with this, work on your use of semicolons and commas, run-on sentences, sentence structure, and switching between past and present tenses (“A snicker fills the air…the long forgotten boy dropped from his previous position”). Word choice—use the simplest language you can to get your point across. Usually when you try to force something to sound poetic, you make it sound more complicated than it needs to be. “If you were to ask the infamous pair how they became, you would never acquire a plausible response” could be elucidated. First of all, I’m not so sure you mean ‘infamous,’ and you could use ‘hear’ instead of ‘acquire.’ Plausible, too, might not be the best word choice. Though that might just be me. Work on producing clear, three-dimensional characters…one second, Lily and James are arguing, the next second Lily is twitching, the next Lily is storming off, and the next Lily is in love with James. These actions, taken in quick succession, don’t seem very real. And also (I should really swear off saying this, or something), “Show, don’t tell.” Here, for instance: “‘She'll never love scum like you. Potter.’ Of course the last part of the sentence just so conveniently had to be spat out for already open wounds to be cut deeper.” The dialogue is good there—scum is a vicious word—but the second sentence only states the obvious. Either you could nix that part or you could, say, mention James’ reaction or follow it up with an action from Snape. I realize this was written a long time ago; I’m just providing suggestions for overall improvement on story development. Basically, grammar, diction, original detail, and better transitions between plot points. I’d love to see something you’ve written more recently. And, if I could make a suggestion, I’d say re-work this story, making it into a multi-chapter fic. That way you can avoid stilted dialogue and allow character transformations to occur gradually (therefore avoiding things such as “His mouth shaped into a perfect O as realisation dawned on him. Lily Evans was no longer a target of amusement for James, but somehow along the way, the unexplainable happened,” a moment which arrives extremely quickly). I’m shutting up now, don’t worry. =) -Kaye (bluetomatopasta) //Member, UR.org Review Team//