Totally Hawt Potter Love by ghostofbambi

Disclaimer and Author’s note: Any name you recognize in this parody belongs to J.K Rowling. I am not her, so it is safe to assume that she did not write this, and I am not claiming that she did. Or that she stole the idea for Harry Potter from me. That would be impossible, as I was only three years old at the time.

In the last chapter… Lily was about to ask her who she was, but before she could, the girl dropped the bag she was holding, beamed joyously, and threw her arms around Lily’s neck. Again, Lily did not look like Lily. She looked like James. As she was in his body. Are we clear?

“Jamesie!” the mysterious and absolutely stunning girl cried lovingly. “I’ve missed you so much!”

Chapter five – Teh Plot Twist-Z!

Lily gasped in horror, not because she had just remembered that hugging mysterious and amazingly beautiful girls can give you STDs, but rather because a mysterious and amazingly beautiful girl had just come to visit James. Probably to have sex with him, she thought, because as everyone in Hogwarts knew (maybe that was why there were so many STDs going around), James was a total stallion between the sheets. On account of his Quidditch toned penis and all.

“You!” she replied awkwardly, prising the girls arms from around her/James’ neck. “I’ve… er… missed you too. I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Really? But I emailed you with the details ages ago.” She pointed over to James’ bed, where lay his Blackberry and Apple Mac. “I thought you said this place had wireless?”

“Oh, it er… does,” said Lily, feeling stupid. “The server’s been down, though, and then I lost the network key. Durr! I’ll just go and check now.”

She opened James’ Apple Mac and logged into his hotmail account, rolling her eyes to herself because James clearly wasn’t aware of how much better Gmail was. It took her a few tries to get his password right, but eventually she realized that it was ‘Lily’. Because James twu-luved her so very, very much.

And there she saw the email.

Hey Jamesie!

Howz u? Jst lettin u no dat im cumin 2 c u in hgwrts 2moro bcoz itz bout time 4 anudr plot twst, dnt u tink?

Luv u loads nd loads!!!

Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter xxxxx

“Ah”, said Lily, slapping a hand to her forehead. It hurt, because she forgot she was wearing glasses and accidentally slammed them into her face. “Now I remember. Raven!!”

“Jamesie,” sang Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter xxxxx (oh yeah, those five xs were part of her name, because she’s just that awesome), “Nobody’s called me Raven since I was six! You know to call me Britney!”

The name Britney made no sense to Lily, given the girl’s initials and the fact that she wasn’t bald, but she reminded herself that she was not in possession of a properly functioning brain, and resolved to ask James about it later. For now, she was more intent on getting rid of this ho.

“I have a girlfriend!” she cried, her voice unnaturally high in spite of the bucketfuls of Quidditch toned testosterone that were floating around in James’s manly body. There was so much that it all couldn’t fit into his testes, so it just swam around like a Grindylow!

“Really, Jamesie?” said the girl, looking thoroughly unperturbed. “Well we’ll see how long she lasts, hmm?” she winked and kissed Lily/James on the cheek. “Now where on earth are your lovely – Oh! Padsie-wadsie! Moonykins!”

“Brit-Brit!” said a voice from behind them. Lily turned to see Sirius Black and Remus Lupin standing in the doorway, gazing at the beautiful young woman with awe. So much awe, in fact, that Remus even lowered his book from in front of his eyes, cementing what Lily already suspected; that her own sensational looks couldn’t touch this girl’s splendor. Britney sashayed over to them and kissed them both full (and Frenchily) on the lips.

“How’s my favourite werewolf?” she said, making a clawing motion towards Remus, who growled sexily at her. Lily dropped the books that had appeared into her arms in preparation for an occasion that requires the dropping of heavy objects to create a dramatic yet comedic moment (such as when you find out that somebody you know is a werewolf), and gasped loudly.

“You’re a WEREWOLF?!”

Everyone stared incredulously at her, and Lily realized her mistake. James obviously already knew that Remus was a werewolf.

Oh no! What will I do now?!

“Hey! Where did that italicized voice come from?” said Britney curiously, looking around for the source of the voice. Glad to have something to distract them, Lily started searching the dorm room with Remus, Sirius and Britney.

Presently, they were interrupted by Peter Pettigrew, who came into the dorm holding a purple scarf.

“Who are you? You, you, you, it refers to a person, but also to a female sheep, if it’s spelled with three completely different letters!” said Sirius, excited because Remus had allowed him to read his dictionary over his shoulder earlier that day. “Also, why do you have a purple scarf? Could it possibly become important to the plot later? Ooh yeah!”

“Purple, a dark colour that reflects very little light and is formed as a pigment by combining red and blue,” said Remus, eyeing the scarf warily, because he thought it looked like it could be important to the plot later. “Also, who on earth are you, strange and chubby man-child?”

“I’m Peter. Peter Pettigrew. You know, Wormtail. Your friend, Peter!” Peter squeaked, waving the perhaps-important-to-the-plot-later purple scarf. “Don’t you remember me? I sleep in that bed over there!”

“Ooh! A bed! People make babies and contract STDs in beds! I’ve never seen you before in my life!” Sirius started jumping up and down on a trampoline he conjured. The trampoline was purple, like the mysterious scarf, but this doesn’t mean that the scarf is definitely going to be important to the plot later, it just might be.

“Bed, a piece of furniture on which to sleep, usually consisting of a rectangular frame with a mattress on top. We are not brainless fools, Peter Pettigrew,” Remus chipped in. “If you were our friend, we would recognize and speak to you like a brother. You are nothing but a disgusting, grimy liar and you smell like a homeless man. Now tell us what importance that purple scarf will have to the plot later and then leave Hogwarts forever, so that Sirius and I can indulge in trampoline sex without being interrupted. Saleratus pyjamas hexagon.”

Peter burst into tears and left the room, dropping the scarf as he went. Everyone stared at the scarf in shock and began riffling through their scripts, wondering why the scarf had not been mentioned during rehearsals and if its sudden appearance meant that there was a plot twist in store.

“Palindrome, an early 17th century word which refers to a a word, phrase, passage, or number that reads the same forwards and backwards, for example ‘Anna’ or ‘Navan’. From the Greek palindromos, which literally means ‘running back again’,” Remus, the wise and well-read, broke the awkward silence.

Sirius was so impressed by this expanse of knowledge that he fainted dead away. Everyone stared at him in shock, unable to think of anything to say, but then Britney voiced the question that had been on everybody’s mind ever since the appearance of that darned scarf.

“What’s a Navan?” she said.

Meanwhile, in the girl’s dorm…

“Well I like the iPhone but the battery life is ridiculously short-” said STUPIDBITCH, picking some lint from between her toenails. Even though STUPIDBITCH was perfect, the rules of this fic dictate that she is not allowed to be as perfect as Lily, who would never, ever have lint between her toenails, so STUPIDBITCH must therefore have at least one flaw. It makes her more relateable, don’t you think?

“Omg, totally! I only managed to get through half of Blackout before it died on me!” said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who, as we have already established, was nowhere near perfect because she didn’t have a discount at Abercrombie. Only at Clarie’s Accessories, but they don’t sell designer labels. They do sell fantastic Hannah Montana merchandise, though!

“Omgomgomg! Blackout is soooo the best Britney album there is!”

From his hiding place beneath Lily’s bed, James suppressed a snort of derision, as everybody knew that In the Zone was Britney Spears’ best studio album to date. He knew this because, even though In the Zone was not released until 2003, by which time James and Lily had both been dead for twenty-two years, why should I have to care about things like historical accuracy? I can write what I want. So fuck you, dude. Fuck you.

All of a sudden, James remembered that his twin sister (actually, his twin-sister-from-another-father-because-his-parents-had-been-involved-in-a-rather-dubious-threesome-with-Voldemort-and-his-mother-had-somehow-been-impregnated-by-both-men-at-the-same-time-because-they-are-magic-and-I-don’t-need-to-think-of-a-proper-explanation) Britney, short for Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter, was coming to visit him that very day, and that she would probably be going straight to his dorm, where Lily was! He remembered this because Britney shared her name with the artist Britney Spears, whose album STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT had just been discussing. James was very smart, you see, and was therefore able to make connections in his brain like that. You know you wish you could do that too, but you can’t, because you’re not Plank!James, you’re just a regular human being, with no Quidditch-toned earlobes. Hahaha.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. Britney was one of the most beautiful girls around (although nowhere near as beautiful as Lily), and he could only gasp in horror at the thought of what Lily might think if she saw this stunning senorita and deduced that James was carrying on with her behind her back. James was desperately trying to prove to Lily that he was no longer a man-whore, and he was doing a pretty good job of it so far. He had only made out with one other girl besides Lily today, and that was only because GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT had happened upon him in Lily’s form and suggested some girl-on-girl experimentation. However, they had heard STUPIDBITCH approaching and James was made to hide under the bed to avoid being caught. Everyone knew that STUPIDBITCH went crazy if she saw anyone else making out with GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who was her bitch and her bitch alone. But that was irrelevant. What really mattered to James was that even now, Lily could be getting the wrong ideas about his twin sister and that would mean that he would never again have the chance to make sweet, sweet love to her in the Prefects bathroom!

James winced unhappily. He only hoped that Lily wouldn’t jump to the wrong conclusion!

I bet you thought that another cliffy wasn’t possible, but you were wrong! What is this mysterious Navan? Where did Peter run to? Will Sirius ever wake up? Which Britney album did you like best? And what on earth is up with that purple scarf? Could it be important to the plot later?! Stay tuned to find out!